“Black” UCSD Protesters Shut Down La Jolla Mall, None Arrested

Black Friday Protest

Black Friday Protest

On November 25th, 2016, white UCSD students who painted themselves black shut down all major store outlets in La Jolla and the surrounding area, in protest of the unofficial holiday “Black Friday.”

“Black Friday is offensive to many black people,” A.S. president Danielle Chuarez said. “As a school that accepts all cultures, UCSD does not promote any holidays that may discriminate against those who are less fortunate. Black Friday wrongly attributes black people to being ‘cheap’ and ‘violent.’”

“Black Friday does not appropriately honor black people,” said Jackson Michaels, a UCSD freshman and Black Friday protester. “White people oppress minorities by using discounts to bait them into following their capitalist ways. My duty, as a person of privilege, is to protest their white-washing attempts and break into stores in order to truly give back to my fellow black community–damn it feels good to be an ally.”

Numerous protesters have begun chanting “Not My Holiday” in response to Black Friday sales. Others have already started to set cars on fire and breaking into retail stores in order to further express their rage.

The police have attempted to shut down the protests, but have not made any arrests so far because none of the protesters are actually black.

“We condemn all Black Friday protests,” a Black Lives Matter official stated. “You know I’m finna cop that $200 4k flatscreen at Best Buy”

Disillusioned UCSD CS Students to Math-CS Majors: “They took our jobs”

Rick Ord

A subtle grimace flickered on the face of Sophomore Computer Science (CS) student, Jacob Grady as Math-CS Major Li Qiang sauntered into B250. “Dirty MatLabber,” sneered Jacob as Li quietly sat down at the adjacent lab computer.

A trend of antagonistic behavior towards Math-CS students has been increasingly prevalent within the undergraduate Computer Science community since it became impacted just four years ago. Tensions flared again last year when Math-CS became impacted–doubling in size after a single year–putting a burden on the UCSD tech job market and leaving many young CS students disillusioned about their six-figure job prospects. Since then, CS majors have coined the derogatory term “MatLabber,” or just “Labber” for short, to describe unwanted Math-CS students.

“It’s like, not fair” Jacob said looking down at his sticker coated MacBook Pro, struggling to debug his CSE 30 assignment. “What the fuck is a seg fault!” He yelled abruptly.

“Anyway,” Jacob continued, “I got into UCSD as a CS major, and some fuckin’ labber’ gets in for Poli Sci, switches to Math-CS, and takes my Google internship? Fuck that noise! If you ask me, Rick Ord is right, we need to build a wall.”

Rick Ord, a populist professor at UCSD, has recently stirred up a large following among undergraduate CS majors, many feeling disillusioned with their futures.

But let me tell all you folks something–I’m very smart, very smart–and back when I went to school CS was great. We won, we won so bigly.

“I’m just a simple boy from the midwest,” started Dr. Ord at one of his rallies inside EBU3 1202 last week. “But let me tell all you folks something–I’m very smart, very smart–and back when I went to school CS was great. We won, we won so bigly. Just look at India. Now, folks, I know India, I know many people there–very smart people. They tell me–you know what they tell me? They’re beating us people. It’s bad. Not good folks.”

The crowd really started to heat up after Professor Ord began his patented wall pitch. “We’re going to build a wall around the CS building folks, a great wall–the great firewall, folks. And who’s going to pay for it?”

“The Math Department!” yelled the crowd in unison.

In a recent and stunning development, the current chair of the Computer Science Department, Dean Tullsen, has been ousted by Rick Ord and his over-enthusiastic group of CSE 11 tutors. Since his victory, Ord has already started work building the wall around the Computer Science building, which can be seen taking shape behind the Rock Bear.

In his concession email, Tullsen wrote, “Rick Ord is going to be our chairman. We owe him an open mind and the chance to lead. I hope that he will be a successful chair for all CS Tritons.”

The Koala will continue to follow this story as it develops.

ISIS Determined to Promote Trigger Warnings, Create Safe Spaces

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As the battle for Mosul continues, ISIS casualties have slowly been piling up. More specifically, hundreds of ISIS’s treasured child soldiers, the “Caliphate Cubs,” and student soldiers from the Mosul Institute of Terrorism (MIT, previously the University of Mosul) have been brutally murdered on the front lines by US backed Iraqi Special forces.

“Enough is enough–we must protect our students and our children,” said Suq Madic, a third year student at MIT. “Like the rebel students of America, we also need trigger warnings; we also need safe spaces! They are the key to victory against the white men of the West!”

The extremists believe that American university students are also at war with the US Government and have implemented ‘trigger warnings’ to predict future attacks, and ‘safe spaces’ to protect themselves from drone strikes and tank fire.

“The MIT students seem to have been misguided by translation errors,” says Henry Cook, a Linguistic professor Harvard. “The extremists believe that American university students are also at war with the US Government and have implemented ‘trigger warnings’ to predict future attacks, and ‘safe spaces’ to protect themselves from drone strikes and tank fire.”

Following the powerful post-election protest, Suq and his brother Liq Madic reached out to the UCSD student body to understand how they create safe spaces for their students.

From: Suq Madiq <bombdatbooty420@mit.isis.edu>, Liq Madiq <ilovevirgins72@mit.isis.edu>
To: Daniel Juarez <aspresident@ucsd.edu>
Date: 2016-11-10 8:19am
Subject: How to promote trigger warnings, safe spaces?

Hello UCSD rebels,

We have heard stories of great fight with The United States government a few days ago and seek your help in our struggle. Your voices have not been ignored.

As similar minorities and oppressed peoples, we need you help creating trigger warnings and safe spaces for muslims and people of Iraq and Syria. We have differences in past but now we have much in common. We both burn cars when we’re angry, both hate Donald Trump, and love a white woman on top! Please, help us protect our students and childrens from our common enemies!

Allahu Akbar,
Suq Madic

After receiving the email and aggregating responses from many of the UCSD protesters, A.S. President Daniel Juarez responded to Suq and Liq with the following email, also forwarded to the UCSD student body:

From: Daniel Juarez <aspresident@ucsd.edu>
To: Suq Madiq <bombdatbooty420@mit.isis.edu>, Liq Madiq <ilovevirgins72@mit.isis.edu>
Date: 2016-11-10 10:17am
Subject: Re: How to promote trigger warnings, safe spaces?

Hi Suq and Liq,

Thanks for your email and kind words about our protest a few days ago: We really did stick it to the U.S. Government and our corrupt democracy!

If you would like to follow suit, all you need to do is follow a few simple steps:

  1. First, in order to make sure none of your people get triggered, notify any resistance about when and where you will be marching.
  2. Gather all of your people together in a tight column on a major road and begin marching straight towards any resistance to make sure you get your voice heard!
  3. Chant why you feel unsafe while marching.

The large numbers will intimidate any people who oppose your views and the chanting will make it impossible for them to speak over you.

Daniel Juarez
Pronouns: She/Her/Hers, They/Them/Theirs
President, Associated Students
University of California, San Diego
aspresident@ucsd.edu
http://as.ucsd.edu/
(619) 962-2969

Iraqi Special Forces have since quickly wiped out most of the ISIS insurgency in Mosul after most ISIS forces marched towards the Iraqi lines chanting “Drones aren’t fair” before getting carpet bombed by an allied drone strike. President Elect Donald Trump responded to the Iraqi victory praising trigger warnings and safe spaces for being completely useless.

No on Prop 64: Protect Our Women and Children

marijuanadomesticviol

Editor’s Note: The Koala Editor has $50 riding on weed not getting legalized. However, this has absolutely no effect on the viewpoint of the Koala or the stone cold truth laid out in this neutral, fact-driven, pulitzer worthy article.

Prop 64 seems like a smoker’s dream; you can just walk into a store without a med card and buy weed while your abusive dad buys liquor. Oh, and supporters of Prop 64 claim it will expand the industry, bring money to education, and make a large black market go away, how fantastic! The reality of the situation is that the people who wrote prop 64 banked on the fact that all the college students voting yes would be too high to read the damn proposition, so I’m gonna lay this shit out for all you stoners in an essay format your seventh grade english teacher would be proud of.

Marijuana killed my dog and daughter. Now I live in box behind The Che Cafe.

First, prop 64 is going to burn up all the small businesses that grow the fucking weed. Regulations can cost farms one hundred thousand dollars a damn year. This isn’t even including the extra tax on every ounce grown. So the costs and regulations of owning a weed farm are going to get higher than you if you smoke ALL THEIR DAMN WEED.

Next, prop 64 will not bring money to education. I figure some of yall are saying, “I’m fine with spending more money on my sweet OG kush if it helps the state out a lot.”

Maybe that’s true. Maybe I would even be down to drop an extra twenty bucks on an ounce of some green crack if it helps little Johnny and Susie learn long division in second grade instead of third grade. But the reality of the situation is that it won’t. The money is going to help little Johnny and Susie learn that smoking weed is bad in the most ironic law of the century, and the rest of the tax revenues are going to go make sure that police get extra funding – despite the fact that they are decreasing the amount of illegal activity.

Finally, everyone is saying the black market of weed is going to go away. But here is the thing; if you are taxing and regulating the fuck out of the weed market, growers aren’t going to bend over and take that fucking. Despite probably being some of the laziest people in California, people who smoke weed tend to do really creative shit to smoke for cheap, and it isn’t going to be any different once weed is legalized. Why else would only 31% of current weed growers support prop 64?

In conclusion…To finish off this (hopefully, but probably not) magnificent seventh grade style article, let’s recite our three main points: weed businesses and growers will get fucked, the money in profits won’t go to anywhere you probably want them to, and the weed black market will continue to live.

UCSD Could Learn a Thing or Two From the UCLA Shooter

UCLA Shooting

Everyone knows that USCD is full of bitter UCLA rejects. And boy, do we have every right to be bitter. UCLA has a better social scene, better athletics, and a better academic reputation. As of June 1st, UCLA beats UCSD in another, increasingly important aspect of college life: school shootings. Frankly, Tritons, we need to improve our murder-suicide game.

Although the Elliot Rodger shooting spree at UCSB still tops the UC Killing Spree podium, today’s shooting at UCLA certainly takes the silver medal. Meanwhile, UCSD languishes in a 7-way tie for the bronze, despite having a campus culture toxic enough to lead the nation in school shooting deaths.

Don’t get me wrong, I am in no way condoning violence. However, I think the UCSD community should consider how our campus culture influences the way we choose to kill ourselves. We Tritons would never go out in a hail of gunfire, or have the tenacity to take a professor down with us. Instead, we accidentally drink ourselves to death after a mediocre concert “festival.”

While the recent suicide-by-poison near campus earns points for creativity, it was not nearly public enough to move UCSD up in the campus suicide power rankings. In fact, that suicide is emblematic of the major issue confronting UCSD students. The campus culture of UCSD is extremely poisonous, yet students have no way to release the toxicity from their system. A UCSD student literally chose a torturously slow poisoning death over attending a school less than a mile from the beach. Worse yet, that student chose to die in isolation, instead of revealing her agony to the rest of the community. This is likely your first time hearing about the suicide.

On May 10th, 1970, UCSD senior George Winnie Jr. self-immolated in Revelle Plaza to protest the Vietnam War. Although Winnie botched the attempt (he didn’t die until several hours later), his message was powerful enough to earn him three separate memorials around campus. Since 1970, UCSD students have not only become suicidal but have also lost the willpower to publically identify the campus culture that drove them to it.

Perhaps if there were more creative outlets available to UCSD students, like buildings dedicated to graffiti or student-run satire papers, the campus climate would improve. Perhaps, that cultural shift would dissuade a few students from self-harm. However, the UCSD administration has systematically eliminated such creative outlets over the last 4 years.

So, if you’re at a point where you simply must commit suicide, I encourage you to go out with a “bang,” “splat,” “zip,” or whatever the fuck will shed some light on UCSD’s toxic campus culture. Don’t go quietly into that goodnight, but don’t take anybody down with you. Tape a picture of Kholsa’s face to your back before you jump. Send your suicide note to The Koala, we might publish it.

UCSD harbors enough self-hating, high functioning autists to capture the UC Killing Spree gold. Maybe one day our suicide rate will reflect how toxic our campus really is.

The Koala vs. UCSD Administrators: “The Trial of the Fucking Century”

The Trial of the Century

Today, the ACLU San Diego filed a lawsuit against the UCSD administration and Associated Students citing freedom of the press and freedom of speech violations. As the news broke and reporters and journalists from around the world honed in on UCSD’s campus, media outlets and legal historians quickly realized the gravity of the ensuing “trial of the century.”

Not even OJ killing two more people could top this #TrialOfTheCentury
-Fox News

“The trial of the fucking century” tweeted CNN earlier today in response to the announcement. Fox News then replied, “Not even OJ killing two more people could top this #TrialOfTheCentury.”

On a more serious note, The Koala reached out to famous legal historian, Seymour Booke, who commented, “What we are seeing here is a legitimate ‘trial of the century.’ Past media frenzies surrounding large-scale trials pale in comparison to The Koala vs. UCSD Administrators and I don’t think any future case will either. So buckle up and bring some floaties because this Shit-Storm is about to turn into a Shit-Hurricane.”

This morning The Koala visited OJ Simpson, the once king of high profile court cases, who commented, “I’ll fucking stab you like I did my ex-wife that bitch-ass waiter … in my book If I Did It” then aggressively slammed the prison telephone. Robert Kardashian, know by many through his involvement in Mr. Simpson’s trial followed up with The Koala through an angrily-worded email, stating “You better not make a sex tape and try to profit off this.” Don’t worry Mr. Kardashian, we will. Ray J just hit us up and we’re already casting for the film. Who needs AS funds when you can just make a porno with a B-list celebrity!

The Koala will continue to bring up to date coverage of this once in a lifetime event through the summer and into the next academic year so stay tuned.

The Koala Presents: Milo Yiannopoulos

With the help of the College Republicans at UCSD we’re excited to announce that the world’s most dangerous faggot, Milo Yiannopoulos, will be speaking at our beautiful San Diego campus on Monday, June 6th.

Milo will speak about chalkings, the plague of political correctness, feminism, trigger warnings, safe spaces among many other topics! Q&A session to follow.

Tickets are on sale for $5 (we are not making a profit – proceeds will cover the cost of the event). Buy them in person at the UCSD box office, or online (but you’ll have to pay an additional $4.90 processing fee) https://ucsdboxoffice.com/Online/.

Check out the event on Facebook here: https://www.facebook.com/events/232528867138340/

On-Campus Starbucks Directly Correlated With Increasing Number of Dropouts

UC San Diego Starbucks

Just months after the new Starbucks opened in Price Center the university has reported a shocking increase in the number of student dropouts. The annual rate for the 2013-14 and 2014-15 years were 6.8, and 7.0% respectively. For the 2015-16 year, even though it is not yet complete, the dropout rate has risen to over 27%. How can that be right?

The Koala’s data science and analytics team was tasked with tracking the source of the issue, and the answer, is in fact, Starbucks. The 27% has been found, surprisingly, to be mostly comprised of Communication, Critical Gender Studies, Judaic Studies, Literature, Sociology, and Urban Studies and Planning majors. In our figures, we have not included students who’ve dropped out by killing themselves — this group is mostly comprised of Computer Science students.

After interviewing numerous students in each major we arrived at a loud and clear consensus: why obtain a useless degree and end up working at Starbucks when you can skip a step and work at Starbucks on campus. After hours of laborious research, the Koala R&D team concluded the Starbucks is to blame for the sudden rise in dropouts.

This rare showing of intelligence (dropping out) has raised the question about why these students were ever in such useless majors to begin with. In other news, the UC Regents has banned Starbucks from opening up on any other UC campus.