Top Five Ways to Fight an Animal

1. Through slow and deliberate pollution of their environment. 2. Same way you fight humans, close your eyes and punch where there is a 50% chance they’ll have nuts. 3. Evolution…we already won. 4. With twelve herbs and spices 5. On an empty stomach

Classy – A Word Only Used By People Who Aren’t

UFC President Dana White calls Brian Stann: “one of the classiest people on Earth” ..for not continuing to smash his elbow into a man’s face after he had lost consciousness.  In the spirit of paying it forward, then, I’m ready to declare UFC President Dana White “one of the hardest people to impress on Earth”, because I’m at least 30% certain that he made the comment sarcastically. Maybe Brian Stann is fucking Dana White’s wife? Because I don’t think I know [...]

Top 5 Phrases That Should be on Taco Bell Sauce Packets

1. “I look the same in the toilet!” 2. “Immigration and Customs Enforcement can be reached at 1 (866) 347-2423” 3. “I’m just as stoned as you are” 4. “Don’t use me on fries, pinche gringo.” 5. “Not intended for human consumption.”

Hittin’ That Brolo

Tyler, Hanalei made out with Matt that night. They both agreed to lie to you when you asked them. Isnt that the second girl you lost to a polo guy? I think a plumber somewhere is missing his TOOL.

The Unexamined Life Is Not Worth Living

It’s 3 AM on a Monday and I’m trapped in a closet. No, this is not a reference to homosexuality nor to the 20 something volume R Kelly classic. I am actually trapped in a closet.

I examine the pair of pink pumps I am positioned next to, they look like something Hello Kitty would wear to work the corner. I strain my neck to position my ear flush with the wall, listening to the conversation taking place outside. The muffled voice of an RSO permeates the thin barrier protecting me from yet another write-up.

No shit, I already know this or I wouldn’t be held up in this freshman girl’s closet.
What is this, Nazi Poland? Here I am with a five-pointed leaf on my arm and Frau Dykenbitch’s voice blares, “DO I SMELL ZE MARIVANNAJUDEN?”

Top 5 Better Names for Down Syndrome

1. Up Syndrome 2. “Get Down” Syndrome 3. Monkey hand-ism 4. That-kid-that-gets-raped-a-lot-and-beat-up-a-lot syndrome 5. Human ashtray-ism

The Koala’s Guide to Choosing a Career after UCSD – Part I

Although you are reasonably attractive, when you got to college you decided to abuse this fact to get a long line of losers to buy things for you.

However, although life is easy, your brain starts to atrophy over these 4 years as your course-load and social activities do nothing to stimulate your mind.

Thus, you’re an expert at superfluous conversation and remembering to take your birth control.

Your cache, however, is that you can drink the most out of any girl on campus, which is necessary to make your lifestyle bearable.

You’ve probably gotten a lot better at sex and blow-jobs in these last four years, spreading them out between the losers who get things for you, professors, authority figures, and jocks.

Kids in the UC System: Stop Worrying and Love The Debt

The State of California needs an intervention. No, not the citizens (keep rippin them bongs for me!), but the government. California used to be hot as fuck (i’d hit it twice), but years of abuse have left Sacramento looking like a scarred, pockmarked hooker with a bad meth habit.

Although we here at the Koala fully support the occasional raging bender to quell our raging meth boners, California has institutionalized such dangerous (fun!) behavior to an insane degree.

Luckily, they decided to do this in a state where everyone is too vapid to look up from their phone (unless it’s to look at a mirror!) However, if you look around and take stock of California’s budget in 2012, you’ll realize that the governor’s been living with some crackheads in a housing project for a decade now. And those crackheads are the legislature.

Great Moments In Premature Ejaculation: The UN & Somalia

Do you ever think about Africa? Fuck no.

There’s no functioning government, and most days are filled with the sort of depressing bullshit white people explain away as the mysterious nature of a vengeful, haphazard God. However, according to the UN, THERE’S REALLY REALLY GOOD NEWS GUYS!

The UN has a simple approach to providing aid.

Naturally, lots of pain, hun- ger, and suffering are necessary to catch their eye in the huge, seedy nightclub that is the international community. Even better, bloodthirsty dictators, roving bands of “freedom fighters” led by Western-educated kleptocrats, or the ..

Pizza Is a Vegetable

A Day In The Life of a Computer Science Major at UCSD

11:00 AM: Wake up, jack off. Skip the shower and teeth brushing; they keep you in the
basement for a reason.

12:00 PM: Attend Qualcomm luncheon for the free pizza.

01:00 PM: CSE 131, Compilers. Spend the next hour and a half figuring out how to while
Rick Ord bullshits his way through class.

02:30 PM: Hack into that one girl’s Facebook and steal her private naked pics. Closest thing to laid you’re going to get.

03:00 PM: Attend Yahoo information session for the free pizza. Hope you never have to
work for such a retarded company.

04:00 PM: Women in Computing meeting. 3 girls attend, a whopping 75% of all the girls
in the CSE department.

04:13 PM: Sneak off to the bathroom to masturbate to the thought of actual female CS
majors.

Hey Guise, It’s Spring Again!

You know what that means: All the bitches let their funbags out of their triton sweatshirts, people prepare their livers and dental dams in anticipation of Sungod, and the jews and the palestinians take over library walk to agitate their stupid causes.

But did you know that this spring will also see an icon of UCSD step down?

Sure, this icon needs to be spoon-fed soup due to her advancing, incurable Parkinson’s Disease but really, Chancellor Fox is a perfect symbol for UCSD.

She’s actually a brilliant chemist and one of the first females to rise (or shakily standup) to her stature but all you can think of when you see her is, “damn, I never want to live to be that old.”

Maybe her decrepit, wasted body actually still contains a brilliant mind.

Top 10 Ways Child Soldiers Are Better Than Adult Soldiers

1. The heroin and crack you hand out to keep them fighting lasts way longer. 2. The kids haven’t had as long to learn the fear of death. 3. Nothing cures a pesky Oedipuscomplex like taking an AK to your mom. 4. More rape leftover for you. 5. Adult soldiers only get older. Child soldiers just don’t get old. 6. High mortality in adolescents selects for early puberty and that has to be good, right? 7. Candy cigarettes are much [...]

Top 5 Phrases That Should be on Taco Bell Sauce Packets

1. “I look the same in the toilet!” 2. “Immigration and Customs Enforcement can be reached at 1 (866) 347-2423” 3. “I’m just as stoned as you are” 4. “Don’t use me on fries, pinche gringo.” 5. “Not intended for human consumption.”

Fuck Fest of Fail

With complimentary Stone kegs, an industrial beer cooler full of jungle juice, a host of DJ’s on deck, and a guest list packed with fresh faces all primed up for some questionable decision making, what could possibly go wrong? Hosting it in a condo, that’s what. I showed up a half hour into it and found pods of dorm people moping around the lawn with tales of noise complaints and legal intervention (-1 angry peasants). Rumors were confirmed upon my [...]