Enjoy the following artful rant from E-Dogg from our April 1999 edition (Volume 51, Issue I) of The Koala
It’s time again for another set of rantings straight from the bowels of E-Dogg. The other day, I saw a wine commercial in which a beautiful brunette and a tall, dark gentleman drink wine across their living room and fall into each other’s arms on to the couch, which has been strategically placed with it’s back to the camera to hide the fact that she is not having sex with him, as we are supposed to believe, but is in fact having a molar extracted.
Do you know what I’m sick of?
I’m sick of watching wine commercials where a gorgeous woman and a handsome man eat a romantic candlelight dinner, then do something else which shows how attracted they are to each other then do something which implies that they are going to have sex.
These people would be attracted each other without the win.
I’m sitting at home not drinking the advertised brand of wine, and I know I sure would like to have sex with her, or find loose change under the couch cushions, or do whatever they’re doing on that couch that I can’t see.
My idea of a winning wine commercial would be more like this: A man and his wife are sitting at a romantic candlelight dinner. The man as a sip of wine, then looks lovingly at his wife’s scurvy-infested face. He has another sip of wine and asks her to dance. They trod around the room ungracefully, bumping into objects and stepping on each other’s toes. The woman, swept up in the moment, takes a sip of her wine and looks deep into her husband’s severely crossed eyes. Having one more sip of wine, she takes her husband by his gnarled and deformed hand and leads him into the bedroom. Upon seeing a commercial like this, I would be strongly moved to purchase a bottle or two and “put on my wine-goggles’.. I’m looking at this stick of deodorant because I’m really tapped for ideas. On the back, there are several key features of the deodorant. These features are extremely important to the consumer, and even warrant the use of a coveted “bullet” before each feature. The first item states that this is “powerful deodorant for the active man” Apparently the makers of this deodorant have something against wheelchair-bound men, who are not very active and are punishing them by making them smell bad.
Alright, that’s interesting. This important fact is followed by “Powerful odor protection that lasts” (get this) “all day”. “All day” is a scientific unit of measurement equal to fiver hours. I suppose, because that’s how long this “powerful” stuff really lasts. I guess the “active man” goes to bed at about one o’clock in the afternoon. Also, this deodorant comes with a “Patented comfort guard applicator” which I guess they forgot to include, because all this deodorant has is a little knob that you turn to make the deodorant chunk go up and down. At the bottom of the fact sheet, it reads, “Keep out of the reach of children.” This sucks, because I don’t want to smell bad, but I like children.