Let’s be honest, you’re probably either a scared little asian kid who doesn’t even understand 90% of the Koala. This guide is written for white people. This is not because we are racist, but because if your skin color is any darker than “anglo saxon”, you already know how to buy drugs; just go to a family function and one of your cousins who just got out of jail will invariably be carrying. If you are not much of a smoker, we have something for you as well.
Purchasing marijuana is fraught with myths and potential pitfalls, but fret not, with this guide in hand, you’ll be a pro in no time.
Just follow these 4 easy steps:
Step 1: Find a dealer.
Finding a drug dealer that sells mainly pot is ideal, but not the easiest thing in the world. Actual drug dealers are usually black or mexican, and hate you for being white. They will rob you, shit on your face, then laugh at you with all of their friends, calling you things you’ve never heard, despite the fact that you have a black friend and watch a fair amount of 50 Cent videos.
Drug dealers who deal primarily in marijuana, however, are often white, clean, and love Reggae music. They keep their weed in cute little baggies with graphics on them, and will smoke with you just to have someone to hang out with, but be aware, they don’t have any fucking lives and will suck you into their vortex of insane conspiracy theories and ridiculous vernacular.
Step 2: Clear out some time.
Drug dealers, regardless of their pedigree, don’t operate on the same time scale that normal people do. According to Einstein’s Theory of Special Relativity, objects experience time relative to their speed, so 5 hours to a drug dealer feels like 1. Consider this when you make plans with your dealer. This is probably the source of the OBVIOUSLY FALSE stereotype that blacks are never on time to anything. ALL stereotypes are wrong and evil and a product of, “the man.” The real source of that stereotype is that most or all black people are actually drug dealers, and as such, experience time differently.
Step 3: Learn the lingo; Caveat emptor.
Drug dealers don’t speak English. When they say, “Yo this shit right here is the Evander Holyfield bomb.com/kushabush.html you’ve been wanting to hit since PM Dawn.” This roughly translates to, “I have a product which I feel is of superior quality, the quality you have been looking for since the mid-90’s.” The problem arises when every drug dealer says this; How do you know who has the best shit? You don’t. And the only way to know is to buy it and smoke it, and even then YOU’RE FUCKING HIGH, so how the hell are you going to tell the difference? There are really only two kinds of weed, shake and the bomb. Shake looks like oregano, the bomb looks like an AEPi brother with his shirt off: hairy and kind of smelly. Until you become Willy Nelson and inspect your buds under a magnifying glass using chopsticks, you won’t know the difference beyond this dichotomy.
Step 4: Paying, smoking, and “pot culture”
Basically the pot you’re going to buy is going to be a gram (or less), and you’re going to pay $20-35, because you’re dumb. If you need help smoking it, do society a favor and use some retroactive birth control. The world doesn’t need you breeding.
A note on marijuana culture. I fucking hate stoners. Look, I get it, you’re a stupid lazy fuck and you need an excuse to kill even more brain cells and talk about your paranoid delusional 9/11 conspiracy theories. Do you really think an administration that can’t even get their shit together enough to blackmail one person and not have it turn into a shitstorm can orchestrate a plan which would require collusion across every level of government? You’re a fucking retard. No one cares about your stupid fucking posters of “sick buds” or your retarded obsession with the number 420. Just enjoy killing some braincells, and don’t forget to pass the dutchie on the left hand side.