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  • Articles Spring Break

    Spring Break

    Spring break has finally decided to rear it’s hibernating head, and it’s about time. You’ve spent the last week finishing/neglecting to finish your midterms, and it’s time to take a well deserved break. You can go about this in three different ways: 1.Go Home to Mommy She has been call/texting you for the whole semester anyways, she’s like a clingy girlfriend you can never get rid of. Some pros to this include: mama’s delicious and nutritious food, smoking weed with […]

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  • Top 5's Sex Addict

    Sex Addict

    Top 5 Benefits To Mayor Filner Being a Sex Addicted Lunatic 1) Bail bondage services are cheaper than ever 2) Gloryholes close promptly at 5, and you should really make an appointment 3) Standard issue police batons are now ribbed for your pleasure 4) Semen is now an acceptable form of identification 5) At least we didn’t vote in the gay sex addicted lunatic.

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  • Party Reviews Pink

    Pink

      It was a pretty typical Saturday Night. Or maybe Friday. But it was typical. I’d been told about Aepi’s Pink party earlier in the week and a few girlfriends and I decided to give it a try despite the entirely unoriginal theme. So back to the night of the party, what ended up being about 15 of us mobbed over. After verifying we were on the list (You guys really need a list? Get over yourselves.) We went inside […]

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  • Party Reviews Raving Mad

    Raving Mad

    What better way to spend a Sunday school night than getting as fucked up as humanly possible? A great way to accomplish such a feat would to attend an event commonly known as a “Rave”. For those who have never been, a rave is a fast paced, euphoric night filled with hours on hours of the 3 D’s; Dancing, Drugs and Dropping the base… The night began around 8pm, just exiting the 8 west to arrive at the SD Sports […]

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  • The Koala So, How DID New UCSD Chancellor Khosla Get the Job From Mark Yudof?

    So, How DID New UCSD Chancellor Khosla Get the Job From Mark Yudof?

    It’s somebody else’s turn to minimize the voice of the student and maximize the sweet, sweet $$$ that our administrators won’t use to improve your education or college experience!

    This time that guy is Pradeep Khosla, who got hired out of Carnegie Mellon to go Ballsdeep Khosla for UCSD.

    You think it’s easy working for such a callous sellout like Mark Yudof? Just try getting interviewed by him:

    “Meet me on the street in back of the inNout near the 5 and Garnet in PB,” his raspy voice whispered, the shouts of vagrants echoing in the background.

    Pradeep Khosla didn’t understand why they wouldn’t meet on the UCSD campus for this interview, nor why Mark Yudof would pick such a sketchy location for them to meet instead.

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  • The Koala Koalympics 2012: Bitches (Christine Merrill) be traitoring

    Koalympics 2012: Bitches (Christine Merrill) be traitoring

    Our government may have a heart that’s two sizes too small and a deficit that’s 3 sizes too big, but dammit if we don’t push everybody through High School before letting the Free Market measure their dicks, feel up their tits, and determine how successful they can be.

    Consider that in Syria, they shoot citizens don’t they?

    In Mexico, they shoot heroin (straight into the U.S., no complaints here) and in large swaths of Africa they’re too busy LOLing at our Kony Tweets and making Skeptic Lil Nigs meems about us to shoot anything.

    Why the global-flavored pussy on our breath?

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  • The Koala Koalympics 2012: If You Want Gold, Suck Some Cock

    Koalympics 2012: If You Want Gold, Suck Some Cock

    The 2012 Olympics are underway in Foggy Londontown, and you know what that means: all the world’s a stage for the Brits to let out all their dark, nasty sexual impulses.

    You see, behind their accents, which serve as a sort of misdirection for their shitty personalities and delusions of grandeur, there lays a seedy and persistent undercurrent of sexual dysfunction that defines the British Experience.

    Anything to distract from a London man’s teeth or a Liverpudlian woman’s face, right?

    Now that the Olympics are in town, the Brits are slowly revealing these perverse impulses, with news reports about the amount of sex workers that will descend upon London for the Olympics.

    Considering how fucked up these people are, they’ve also managed to let their dark desires invade the official Olympic Logo.

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  • Koala Top 5 Top Four Shitty Things That Never Fail To Happen To A Guy

    Top Four Shitty Things That Never Fail To Happen To A Guy

      1.) Thirty seconds before class is over you get a hard on and thinking about it only makes it worse 2.) Ten seconds before the shuttle comes to a stop you get a hard on and thinking about it only makes it worse 3.) As soon as you get out of the pool you get a hard on and sitting down would make it better but you can’t because it’s fucking cold and everybody would know why you’re sitting anyway 4.) You go through entries 1-3 all day and once again it’s […]

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  • Koala Top 5 Top Five Reasons The Donkey Show Is Better Than A Keanu Reeves Movie

    Top Five Reasons The Donkey Show Is Better Than A Keanu Reeves Movie

      1.) Throwing dollar bills at the screen doesn’t make the movie any better. 2.) If you’re lucky…..souveniers! 3.) Destroying the Matrix is tricky. Performing in front of a rowdy crowd twice a night is next to impossible. 4.) Saving a bus is easy. Fingering a girl with only four hooves to work with is tough. 5.) The donkey never takes a dramatic pause to utter-out stupidly, “Whoa.”

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  • Koala Top 5 Top Five Signs Your Dad Hasn’t Gotten Over Vietnam

    Top Five Signs Your Dad Hasn’t Gotten Over Vietnam

      1.) Believes dog’s hole-digging habbit is actually attempt to restore VC system of inter-connected underground tunnels. 2.) Watches Platoon every morning in his old fatigues. 3.) Still wears his trophy belt of “Charlie” scalps to work every day 4.) Checks yard for trip-wire and boobytraps before mowing the lawn. 5.) Insists no member of the family walks within fifteen clicks of the local pho place.

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  • Koala Top 5 Top Five Things Not to Say to Your Girlfriend While On Her Period

    Top Five Things Not to Say to Your Girlfriend While On Her Period

      1.) Do you need a Band-Aid or something? 2.) Alright, now I don’t have to buy those lubricated condoms! 3.) What’s that red stuff? 4.) Sweet, four days of head! 5.) If you’re not better in three days, I’m going to Hawaii with my ex.

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  • Koala Top 5 Top Five Tyrranical Dictator Pornos

    Top Five Tyrranical Dictator Pornos

      1.) It’s Rainin’ Ho Chi MEN II: My Lay 2.) Chairman Mao ZeDONG Does the Forbidden City 3.) Mussolini’s Fellating Fascists Invade the Canal 4.) Stalin’ the Capitalist Pigs: Porkin’ for the Proletariat 5.) Naughty Adolf’s National Sexualist Party III: The Third Dyke

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  • Koala Top 5 Top Seven All-New Shitty Ways to Die

    Top Seven All-New Shitty Ways to Die

      1.) From sheer revulsion upon waking up in your parents’ bed naked between Regis Philbin and Tony Danza. 2.) High level members of N.O.W. pour molten glass into your rectum to render you a eunuch. 3.) Johnny from the Local #257 pins down your arm and has his pal drive over it slowly using an eighteen-wheeler truck only then to piss on your  anguished face. 4.) Two hookers (who are actually ninja chicks) video tape you while they beat you up and then post the video on www.__(your name here)_IsaBitch.com. 5.) A Nazi doctor […]

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  • Koala Top 5 Top Five Phrases Most Frequently Heard By A Koala Staffer

    Top Five Phrases Most Frequently Heard By A Koala Staffer

      1.) “I said 50 feet away at all times!” 2.) “You best have my money tomorrow or I’m a break my foot off in your ass!” 3.) “You’re on double-secret probation!” 4.) “Somehow, you’ve managed to get a J.” 5.) “Are you done yet?!”

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  • Koala Top 5 Top 5 Ways Jakcing Off Is Better Than Going to Lecture

    Top 5 Ways Jakcing Off Is Better Than Going to Lecture

      1.) Extra credit is mandatory. 2.) Starts whenever you feel like it instead of conforming to the rules of The Man! 3.) You can’t fail this–well, unless you’re Penny Rue and you can’t find that Abercrombie & Fitch catalog. 4.) Get to shout “Who’s yo daddy!?” without co-eds staring at you in revulsion. 5.) When you finish, you’re actually HAPPY!

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