Think of your technophobic grandparents. Isn’t it exciting to imagine all of the things that will make you cower in your retirement home? Really, it won’t even be too far into the future. With the exponential nature of technological advances; soon forty will be the new eighty.
So what exactly will be haunting your robo-nightmares? I vote for man/machine interfaces. You know how old timers glare at you when you carry on conversations with your stupid little iPod earbuds still plugged in? When it’s your turn, you’ll be screaming at your kids:
“STOP DOWNLOADING PORN DIRECTLY INTO YOUR CORTEX AT THE DINNER TABLE!”
“QUIT USING YOUR LIGHT SABER INSIDE THE HOUSE”
“FOR GOD SAKES, WHEN YOU’RE DONE USING IT TURN OFF THE FLOOBERGOSTINATOR.”
Don’t get me started on what the music will be like.
You know how your parents hate your music?
It’s only going to be worse after you get drunk and make some ugly slut pregnant. Every generation thinks the next has no taste, but let me illustrate a trend to show you just how bad it will be. John Lennon was one of the greatest pop musicians. His son completely sucks. So if apples fall far from the musical talent tree, now imagine the gay love-children of Coheed and Cambria in twenty years. Gothic speed nuemo nerdcore, anyone?
Eventually you’re going to realize that maybe your grandparents would have been happier without their hearing aides. Scientists predict that by 2025, every one on the planet will be in 5 bands simultaneously. As a result, couches will overthrow beds, the ‘coin top hat’ industry will grow in size by billions, and making a mixtape for your girlfriend will take a decade.
And are you ready for a century of Chinese domination? ‘Cause you sure as hell can’t stop it, and it’s gonna be rough for anyone as spoiled and self-centered as the average American, that is, you. Playing second fiddle in the world will be just like that time when you went to college, everyone else was smarter than you, and you were surrounded by funny-looking people who were constantly talking mierda about you and you couldn’t understand a damn thing.
Seriously, the future sucks.
And never forget that even though everything you value will be thrashed, the worst part won’t be the outside world. It’s gonna be in the mirror. Pray that your curve-busting classmates never find a cure to Alzheimer’s.