Now that you’ve been at college for I-don’t-fuckin-care how long, you’re probably realizing what a complete fucking waste of time and resources your pathetic life is. However, life at UCSD doesn’t have to be that bad. So quit wishing you went to SDSU, read this article, and get it together, bitches!
1. DRINK ALCOHOL AT ANY AND EVERY OPPORTUNITY
Let’s face it: half of you pukes were probably conceived in a drunken tryst while mommy and daddy were at college. I’m pretty sure I was too. So, since half of us are the result of Sorority Susie having one too many at a frat party, let’s not have any banter about alcohol “destroying” lives. And at any rate, everybody knows that the only thing to do at UCSD is to get hammered on cheap beer every weekend and wish there were fine girls to mack on. If you should ever feel the urge to stop drinking, remember: your liver wants more, it’s just playing hard to get.
2. PROPOSITION ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING THAT MOVES
This goes for girls as well as guys. I’ll be honest with you: there are no hotties at UCSD and all the good sheep are taken. The only way you are going to get any play is through the law of averages. What this means is that for every’five hotties that shut you down, there’s GOT to be at least one piece of livestock that will put out to your heart’s content, so stay in the game. Here’s lookin’ at you, playa hater.
3. CONSUME HANDFUL AFTER BRIMMING HANDFUL OF MIND-ALTERING SUBSTANCES
The best way to do this is to start out by smoking mad Newport cigarettes and then work your way up to horse tranquilizer/oven cleaner cocktails. I guarantee it beats the shit out of the sad truth that is the reality of your existence.
4. FOUR WORDS: TJ HOS PUTOUT
5. DO NOT READ THE KOALA
Oh, sure, the Koala promotes a hedonistic lifestyle, but are you really cool enough to enjoy this publication and practice what we preach? Probably not, so PUT IT DOWN, NOW!
6. DOWNLOAD ALL THE BEAR CARCASS PORN YOU CAN WHILE THE BANDWIDTH IS FREE
I thought I told you to stop reading this issue! You’re all extremely not-cool. And I shouldn’t even have to be tellling you the virtues of bearcarcass porn if you are half as smart as your SAT score makes you think you are.
7. PLAY “GET SHIT-DRUNK AND THROW BURNING FURNITURE OFF TIOGA HALL
Hey, don’t knock it till you’ve tried it! And always play it safe: watch out for that peskey Res Dean, he’ll probably be wanting his couch back.
8. DO NOT SMOKE “CRACK” COCAINE: Crack kills.
9. KILL KILL KILL
Remember, if you don’t like someone, you can always do away with them in a quick and efficient manner. Try cyanide, for beginners, and see if you can work your way up to murdering victims using only your ears. We’re certain that you’ve enjoyed reading these tips, probably ’cause you’re so high right now that everything is enjoyable. We’re sure you now have plenty of ideas on how to spend that five year study break.
The above was from our April 1999 edition (Volume 51, Issue I) of The Koala. Check out the Archives for more.