So that didn’t take very long did it? Jeremy Lin makes a splash in the NBA and the government says the economy is on the upswing and not only does UCSD think they can actually play sports, but that they can pay for it too. Well as the adage goes, “if you can’t bring the game, don’t bring the ball” and as we’ll show, UCSD definitely cannot bring the game.
To give you a basic impression of the kind of thinking underpinning the argument for D1, our friends at the Guardian had this to say:
“…We belong in D1 because our average SAT score is 170 points higher than the D1 average…”
By their (flawless) logic, the fucking Lakers should step down for King Triton and his big, swinging Verbal score. In the same issue where they say our FUCKING AWESOME athletes should be allowed to compete with the nation’s best, on p.11 is a little report about how our glorious Men’s Basketball team finished a “disappointing” season 11th out of 12 in their D2 section.
Yeah they have a point. Why should our valiant squad be limited to getting their faces kicked in by the mongrels in Division 2? Let’s put that better average vertical leap in D1 to good use, and let our boys get stomped all over the yard (at the low, low cost of 11.5 MILLION FUCKING DOLLARS).
While we’re on the subject, lets talk about money. The proposed bill calls for a piddly $495/year increase with an additional 3% increase to be added every year after for inflation (D1 sports is better funded than the fucking minimum wage, trufax). What could we do with the phenomenal amount of money it raises that’s not nearly as fucking retarded as funding a D1 program?
- At $200/sqft, you could pave 2 miles of 6ft-wide sidewalk with crocodile skin. We could cover Library Walk and the other PRESTIGIOUS parts of our campus in the best couture money can buy.
- You could pay for the phrase: “EAT A DICK, UCLA” to be sky-written over San Diego about 15 times a day for $11.5 million.
- You could build a water-slide from the gliderport to Black’s beach with a return chair lift (hell, ticket sales could pay for it!*)
- Want to actually get the apathetic masses interested in your stupid sport? Why not offer a little cash purse for every intramural sport, like say $10,000 a quarter per sport. We could build school spirit and support for athletics at a fraction of the cost of D1. For several racks, tell me you wouldn’t go shanghai some scrawny fucks in Geisel for your lacrosse team right now, I dare you.
And these are just the proposals we thought of that are slightly less retarded than D1 sports. Actual alternatives proposed by serious people (fuck them) range from paying for libraries to stay open to bolstering scholarship funds. But clearly those are way less important than making sure we get to pay for a handful of troglodytes to throw a pigskin around, right?
But shit, these are just the Koala’s zany ideas; what does the actual NCAA have to say on if D1 is a good idea? Essentially, not what the “pro” crowd has been feeding your complacent asses. From the organizations own 2010 Revenues/Expenses report:
- Sport-for-sport expenses outweigh revenues across the board (p.36)
- Women coaches are paid on average one-third what male coaches are (p.39/TAKE THAT TITLE IX!)
- That D1 sports even without the hilarious waste of money that is football similarly hemorrhage money (p. 75) and….
- That on average, student fees end up accounting for 42% of athletics dept. revenues (p.92).
But these are just numbers, and if you’re a supporter of D1 sports, there’s a pretty good chance those have never mattered to you. Let’s look at what actually happens at schools with D1 programs. UC Berkeley will serve as a good example, seeing as so many of you stupid fucks wanted to go there anyway.
Alex Saragoza, a longtime ethnic studies professor turned into systemwide athletics administrator, was suspended in 2000 after it became known that he’d retroactively enrolled 2 students in Spring 1999 courses (which they never took) and gave them C’s, just so that they could play football. The funniest thing is that suspending him from teaching his Chicano Studies classes didn’t accomplish much, because he taught those classes for free. It’s implausible that anyone could teach that particular course for free, unless of course he was paid $207,000 a year from the office of the UC President.
If we get a D1 program, maybe we too can get unapologetic grade inflation by some ethnic studies crank paid more than you can ever expect to make upon graduation from your hard science. I mean, it’s not like your degree is worth anything WITHOUT a D1 program, right? Shit, someday just maybe, we too can even have all our alumni ditch the school after our undergrads riot in defense of a child-rapist coach as our comrades at Penn State so artfully did. Because clearly, paying for tickets to watch our gladiators get slaughtered by some other school’s much bigger gladiators is the only prerequisite to a sane college experience. Or more likely it’s comprehensible to vote for a VOLUNTARY $495/year fee increase only when your mommy and daddy are footing the bill.
*Our opponents see no need to accurately represent costs or revenues, so why should we?
Editor In Chief
The Motherfucking Koala