Friendly Freshman Tips from The Koala: How to get the MOST out of your freshman year at UCSD

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March 3, 2012 4:08 pm 0 comments

So now that you’ve been at college for two whole quarters, you’re probably wondering “How can I have some fun while staying safe and within the rules?”

Well, we got some answers for you!


These days, it seems like “drinking” is the “in” thing to do. Make “drinking” fun and safe by consuming only non-alcoholic beverages such as Snapple. Alcoholic drinks, such as Mickeys Fine Malt Liquor, can kill you, or even worse, GET YOU EVICTED!!! What would Mommy and Daddy say if they found out you had half a glass of wine with your date? No matter what they say, you can be sure that they’ll hate you forever, and that means no double exhaust addition to your new low-rider Acura Integra. Think about it.


You might think that everybody is having sex, but that’s just peer pressure. Truth is, the majority of students here do NOT have sex. Nor do they have any urge to. You see, we all know about the importance of abstinence and the risks involved with promiscuity, and it’s important to know that when you hear people talk about sex, they’re just doing it to be “cool.” Don’t let this fool you. Recent student surveys indicate that most people wait at least one year after marriage before having sex, and what makes you think you have any right to be different? If you have any doubts about this, maybe you should see your local guidance counselor or Res Dean; they will help you figure out how to make the right decision.


Many people might tell you that the reason for attending college is to learn to think for yourself, but these people are dangerous subversives who probably want to entice you to have sex, drink alcohol and do other “fun” things. Should you ever feel the urge to think independently, please consult for guidance or send us an email.


If you’ve ever read “The Koala”, you’re probably familiar with such terms as “TJ Hos”, “Those Federale Bastards” and “Fetid Bear Carcasses.” Does that really sound like the kind of place you’d like to visit? I don’t think so.


Rumor has it that the Koala often contains such mind-altering words such as “f*ck”, “sh*t, “kn*ckers”, and “b**ty”. Need I say more? You can also voluntarily get sodomized by visiting the local UCSD Bookstore.


It has been shown in studies conducted by Graduate Students that so called E-pornography can lead to Onanism or even “masturbation” and sometimes even to “sex”. Just to be safe, use of the “Cyber-Internet” should be limited to fully certified CSE eunuchs.


Soccer is a good aerobic way to lose those extra calories…if only Monica from NBC’s “Friends” knew about this! Instead of spending long Spring days “masturbating”, why not “get your ‘kicks” a safe and fun way?





While having fun might seem “fun” at first, keep this in mind: while you were out playing, everybody else in your chem 6 class was hard at work studying for that tough no-credit review session. Don’t you feel horrible? We thought so.

We hope you enjoyed reading those tips. If you were unfortunate enough to be a freshman at UCSD any point and feel that this list needs more additions, don’t hesitate to let us know below. Now get back to studying, you lazy slackers!


The above was from our April 1999 edition (Volume 51, Issue I) of  The Koala. Check out the Archives for more.

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