Friendly Freshman Tips from The Koala: How to get the MOST out of your freshman year at UCSD

So, How DID New UCSD Chancellor Khosla Get the Job From Mark Yudof?

It’s somebody else’s turn to minimize the voice of the student and maximize the sweet, sweet $$$ that our administrators won’t use to improve your education or college experience!

This time that guy is Pradeep Khosla, who got hired out of Carnegie Mellon to go Ballsdeep Khosla for UCSD.

You think it’s easy working for such a callous sellout like Mark Yudof? Just try getting interviewed by him:

“Meet me on the street in back of the inNout near the 5 and Garnet in PB,” his raspy voice whispered, the shouts of vagrants echoing in the background.

Pradeep Khosla didn’t understand why they wouldn’t meet on the UCSD campus for this interview, nor why Mark Yudof would pick such a sketchy location for them to meet instead.

Koalympics 2012: Bitches (Christine Merrill) be traitoring

Our government may have a heart that’s two sizes too small and a deficit that’s 3 sizes too big, but dammit if we don’t push everybody through High School before letting the Free Market measure their dicks, feel up their tits, and determine how successful they can be.

Consider that in Syria, they shoot citizens don’t they?

In Mexico, they shoot heroin (straight into the U.S., no complaints here) and in large swaths of Africa they’re too busy LOLing at our Kony Tweets and making Skeptic Lil Nigs meems about us to shoot anything.

Why the global-flavored pussy on our breath?

Koalympics 2012: If You Want Gold, Suck Some Cock

The 2012 Olympics are underway in Foggy Londontown, and you know what that means: all the world’s a stage for the Brits to let out all their dark, nasty sexual impulses.

You see, behind their accents, which serve as a sort of misdirection for their shitty personalities and delusions of grandeur, there lays a seedy and persistent undercurrent of sexual dysfunction that defines the British Experience.

Anything to distract from a London man’s teeth or a Liverpudlian woman’s face, right?

Now that the Olympics are in town, the Brits are slowly revealing these perverse impulses, with news reports about the amount of sex workers that will descend upon London for the Olympics.

Considering how fucked up these people are, they’ve also managed to let their dark desires invade the official Olympic Logo.

Top Four Shitty Things That Never Fail To Happen To A Guy

  1.) Thirty seconds before class is over you get a hard on and thinking about it only makes it worse 2.) Ten seconds before the shuttle comes to a stop you get a hard on and thinking about it only makes it worse 3.) As soon as you get out of the pool you get a hard on and sitting down would make it better but you can’t because it’s fucking cold and everybody would know why you’re sitting anyway 4.) You go through entries 1-3 all day and once again it’s [...]

Top Five Reasons The Donkey Show Is Better Than A Keanu Reeves Movie

  1.) Throwing dollar bills at the screen doesn’t make the movie any better. 2.) If you’re lucky…..souveniers! 3.) Destroying the Matrix is tricky. Performing in front of a rowdy crowd twice a night is next to impossible. 4.) Saving a bus is easy. Fingering a girl with only four hooves to work with is tough. 5.) The donkey never takes a dramatic pause to utter-out stupidly, “Whoa.”

Top Five Signs Your Dad Hasn’t Gotten Over Vietnam

  1.) Believes dog’s hole-digging habbit is actually attempt to restore VC system of inter-connected underground tunnels. 2.) Watches Platoon every morning in his old fatigues. 3.) Still wears his trophy belt of “Charlie” scalps to work every day 4.) Checks yard for trip-wire and boobytraps before mowing the lawn. 5.) Insists no member of the family walks within fifteen clicks of the local pho place.

Top Five Things Not to Say to Your Girlfriend While On Her Period

  1.) Do you need a Band-Aid or something? 2.) Alright, now I don’t have to buy those lubricated condoms! 3.) What’s that red stuff? 4.) Sweet, four days of head! 5.) If you’re not better in three days, I’m going to Hawaii with my ex.

Top Five Tyrranical Dictator Pornos

  1.) It’s Rainin’ Ho Chi MEN II: My Lay 2.) Chairman Mao ZeDONG Does the Forbidden City 3.) Mussolini’s Fellating Fascists Invade the Canal 4.) Stalin’ the Capitalist Pigs: Porkin’ for the Proletariat 5.) Naughty Adolf’s National Sexualist Party III: The Third Dyke

Top Seven All-New Shitty Ways to Die

  1.) From sheer revulsion upon waking up in your parents’ bed naked between Regis Philbin and Tony Danza. 2.) High level members of N.O.W. pour molten glass into your rectum to render you a eunuch. 3.) Johnny from the Local #257 pins down your arm and has his pal drive over it slowly using an eighteen-wheeler truck only then to piss on your  anguished face. 4.) Two hookers (who are actually ninja chicks) video tape you while they beat you up and then post the video on www.__(your name here)_IsaBitch.com. 5.) A Nazi doctor [...]

Top Five Phrases Most Frequently Heard By A Koala Staffer

  1.) ”I said 50 feet away at all times!” 2.) ”You best have my money tomorrow or I’m a break my foot off in your ass!” 3.) ”You’re on double-secret probation!” 4.) ”Somehow, you’ve managed to get a J.” 5.) ”Are you done yet?!”

Top 5 Ways Jakcing Off Is Better Than Going to Lecture

  1.) Extra credit is mandatory. 2.) Starts whenever you feel like it instead of conforming to the rules of The Man! 3.) You can’t fail this–well, unless you’re Penny Rue and you can’t find that Abercrombie & Fitch catalog. 4.) Get to shout “Who’s yo daddy!?” without co-eds staring at you in revulsion. 5.) When you finish, you’re actually HAPPY!

Koala’s Guide to Buying Weed

Finding a drug dealer that sells mainly pot is ideal, but not the easiest thing in the world.

Actual drug dealers are usually black or mexican, and hate you for being white. They will rob you, shit on your face, then laugh at you with all of their friends, calling you things you’ve never heard, despite the fact that you have a black friend and watch a fair amount of 50 Cent videos.

Drug dealers who deal primarily in marijuana, however, are often white, clean, and love Reggae music.

They keep their weed in cute little baggies with graphics on them, and will smoke with you just to have someone to hang out with, but be aware, they don’t have any fucking lives and will suck you into their vortex of insane conspiracy theories and ridiculous vernacular.

This will be you

Think of your technophobic grandparents. Isn’t it exciting to imagine all of the things that will make you cower in your retirement home? Really, it won’t even be too far into the future.

With the exponential nature of technological advances; soon forty will be the new eighty.

You know how your parents hate your music?

It’s only going to be worse after you get drunk and make some ugly slut pregnant. Every generation thinks the next has no taste, but let me illustrate a trend to show you just how bad it will be. John Lennon was one of the greatest pop musicians.

Top 5 Things that Spread Faster than Herpes

1. Cheetah Herpes 2. Human Internet Virus 3. The news of your 11th grade abortion. 4. The size of your pathetic cock after you get dumped. 5. A DG’s legs when you break out a c-note with the blow.

Top 5 Ways to Spend Your Time in Jail

1. Plugging all the meth you “found” in your cell. 2. Studying for O-Chem. Finals are coming up! 3. Wishing you hadn’t wasted all your fresh piss 3 days ago. 4. Praying for someone to find you. 5. Waiting to die.