CHE CAFE STAFF SEIZES CONTROL OF OLD STUDENT CENTER IN PROTEST OF YUGOSLAVIAN BOMBINGS
UCSD- In the bloodiest incident in school history since their week-long siege on Mayer Hall brought on by the cancellation of The A-Team, staffers of The Che Cafe stormed and seized the Old Student Center Tuesday afternoon. Hermano Revolucionario #147, leader of the Che Strike Force, is quoted’as saying the takeover was in protest of “all that shit in Europe, I think.” Seventeen students were killed or wounded during the four hour melee. Among the casualties were the entire staff of the extremely unpopular UCSD publication, The Koala, who fought against the Che Strike Force in an effort to defend the A.S. Media Lounge.
In an interview Wednesday afternoon, Revelle Sophomore Ray Supoffodizkok remarked “The Koala? When is the next issue coming out? Also, do you know if those Personals are, like, real or what?” Hermana Revolucionaria #67 remarked,”While I sort of respected the Koala’s spirit in attempting to defend their lounge, the fact is that they were just too intoxicated to put up much of a fight. One of them threw his shoes at us and I’m pretty sure a couple of them were killed by each other. We just threw a few cans of tear gas and a grenade up there and that was about it for them.” #67 refused to comment on the rumor that one Koala Staffer, upon the Che Strike Force’s battering through the Meaia Lounge door, set fire to the organization’s considerably large stash of back issues and cheap beer, apparently to prevent it from falling into enemy hands. The rumor goes on to say that the staffer then dosed himself with a cyanide capsule and was found dead, “mooning” the Strike Force with the phrase “1-8-7 on tha mutherfuckin’ Che Cafe!” written upon his bare ass. The Che Cafe plans to further its protest by converting the A.S. Media Lounge into a vegetarian burrito stand. Said Hermano Revolucionario #198, “Originally we had planned to use the Media Lounge’s resources to publish and disseminate our message, bur none of these fucking Mac pieces of shit work! So instead it’ll be all-we- can-eat vegetarian burritos every Thursday from 5 PM to 8 PM, all for the low, low mice of $3!”