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Top 5 Lists

5 reasons why you should fuck your TA 1. They’re easier than the freshman 2. You already have 3. they’re better in bed than your mom 4. Free extra credit 5. They cant tell everyone how bad you are in bed

Top 5 ways to catch chlamydia 1. Take bus 41 2. Go to an A.S. meeting 3. Talk to the Bernie supports on library walk 4. Having a class in Peterson 5. Fucking Kohsla in the ass

Top 5 reasons to fuck an Asian 1. They wont see it cuming 2. You cant understand the word no in their language 3. They already have daddy issues 4. They’ll pay your rent 5. They’ll do your math homework

Top 5 reasons to join the catholic church 1. Free unprotected gay sex 2. Free wine mixed with cough syrup 3. You wont have to come out to your family 4. kinky confession 5. kneeling not only to pray but to take it up the ass

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The Motherfucking Koala’s A.S. President Endorsements

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Kevin Bologne:

This School has had enough god damn pixie-faggots as President. We don’t need more homosexual who sucks the dicks (sorry for the assumptions) of the College Democrats.

But on to his policy. It’s all Bologne, in an exclusive interview, Kevin stated,

As Presidentess, I am going to thrust for a universal cumposting system, a more vigorous recycling program, move our school towards zero waste, and increase plant-based options at dining halls/markets.

As our interview progressed, we realized a critical flaw in Kevin’s campaign; this flamestrider is still a fucking virgin. We immediately left the interview and drowned what we had heard in a kiddie-pool full of our finest bitches.

Kevin Bologne is a limp no-go. Even when erect he only rocks 3 and a half inches, not enough to stick it up Khosla’s ass, proving his inability to ever be A.S.(S) president.

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Kiara Gomez:

Why The Koala Endorses Kiara:

Kiara Gomez embodies the values of the Koala. She has fully come out in support of our free speech values and will be a champion for not only the use of but also the distribution of crack cocaine, finally annihilating the war on drugs and helping out our loving black student union. Furthermore, we can not be more proud of her campaign’s three very virtuous pillars.

 

Engage:

Kiara believes that an engaged Triton community is a fun Triton community. That’s why she see’s wants to see a few changes on how we can better involve ourselves in the San Diego community,

It is crucial to situate ourselves and the university as members of the San Diego community. Following the motto of students helping students, I aim to establish a brothel consisting of student leaders across San Diego county colleges in order to find like-minded individuals to push for policy that will assist students with access to more hand jobs and affordable sex.

This is critical at a university like UCSD, with pussies such as Kevin Bologne.

 

Connect:

Gomez has stated that she will,

create a culture where AS serves as a resource for drugs and alcohol. I aim to create more initiatives via a cross-campus dealership, that works to engage students on more access to cocaine, less police activity, or questions they may have regarding roofies. This will be done by hosting biweekly smoke sessions on various campus topics that will allow for students to directly engage with their elected representatives.

At least this way the UCSD community will not hate A.S.(S)  and put dog shit on their desk like they did with Leslie Figueroa. Please vote Kiara so that we The Motherfucking Koala can smoke a bowl and bury our hatchet with A.S.

 

Retain:

She has promised to retain the Koala’s status as the number one newspaper on campus and give back our fucking funding. IS there any other reason why you shouldn’t vote Kiara?

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#iUndieStand: UCSD’s Panty Snatcher Comes out as Transgender

 

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After much bewilderment over the past few weeks about the mysterious flight of Panties at UCSD’s sixth college, the UCSD police caught one celibate David C. This has sadly resulted in many students bullying David for the comic gold of stealing panty’s from washing machines to fill the hollow void of an actual woman’s love. We here at The Koala, however, smell a different stench from this thong.

I have had no sexual encounters in my life except with women’s underwear, and I now choose to live life as a transgender. I want to deal with this honestly and openly and that starts with examining my own behavior

Students close to the situation allege that David came out as a transgender after the mighty unlacing. To further this claim, we contacted David personally. In our interview, a sniffling husk whimpered,

“I honestly do not remember stealing those panties; it would have been over 30 hours ago. But even if I did steal seven panties a day for the last five weeks, I owe the women the sincerest apology for what would have been deeply inappropriate drunken behavior. As those closest to me know, I have had no sexual encounters in my life except with women’s underwear, and I now choose to live life as a transgender. I want to deal with this honestly and openly and that starts with examining my own behavior.”

Despite being heavily criticized throughout the UCSD community, David is not alone. An anonymous group of Warren students also reached out to The Koala, defending David’s actions,

“We don’t understand what the big deal is, we too, lack that sweet punani in our lives, and can only feel the warmth of a woman through her freshly dried drawers upon our transformed genitals. We expect UCSD students to understand the ailments and needs of those of us who have been held back in society by women.”

The Motherfucking Koala supports the plight of the sexually deprived here at UCSD and we cry out SHAME on UCSD for attacking the transgender community, SHAME on UCSD’s student body bullying those in need and SHAME on UCSD’s police department for assaulting his beliefs and identity. The 50’s have passed: men should be free to wear the underwear they want and become the people they see themselves as. The transgender community has the right to express its sexuality however they please and for that reason #iUndieStand. A person’s sexuality cannot be infringed upon, for every human being has the right to say they have a vagina and express it however they feel. Let us end the stigma around women’s underwear together. #YouCanUndiestandToo. And as long as it fits, everyone has the right to wear panties, even if they’re a little tight.

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#Tritons4Tara: This A.S Candidate Wore Blackface, and You Won’t Believe What Happened Next!

When I heard that former AS presidential candidate Tara Vahdani had posted a snapchat of herself in blackface two years ago, I almost literally vomited. Now a new trend at UCSD has Tara’s racist defenders using a blackface filter to show solidarity. CAN YOU SAY SYSTEMIC RACISM???

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          We here at The Motherfucking Koala stand with our colored peers. Blacks have contributed so much to UCSD such as the Compton Cookout, fried chicken in the dining halls, and the amazing MLK luncheon at Canyon Vista. 

          The people involved should be tarred (Tara-ed?) and feathered for their problematic actions. Black supression is a serious issue at this campus: the last UCSD census revealed that we have only 2 coloreds. How is UCSD supposed to be D1 when all the blacks are scared away by little girls wearing charcoal face masks??

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We would like to thank current president Daniel Juarez for having the balls to tell her Chief of Staff Dellanira Alcauter to post the picture. Because Juarez saved this picture from two years ago, the students of UCSD are now aware of the existence of racism.

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“Black” UCSD Protesters Shut Down La Jolla Mall, None Arrested

Black Friday Protest

Black Friday Protest

On November 25th, 2016, white UCSD students who painted themselves black shut down all major store outlets in La Jolla and the surrounding area, in protest of the unofficial holiday “Black Friday.”

“Black Friday is offensive to many black people,” A.S. president Danielle Chuarez said. “As a school that accepts all cultures, UCSD does not promote any holidays that may discriminate against those who are less fortunate. Black Friday wrongly attributes black people to being ‘cheap’ and ‘violent.’”

“Black Friday does not appropriately honor black people,” said Jackson Michaels, a UCSD freshman and Black Friday protester. “White people oppress minorities by using discounts to bait them into following their capitalist ways. My duty, as a person of privilege, is to protest their white-washing attempts and break into stores in order to truly give back to my fellow black community–damn it feels good to be an ally.”

Numerous protesters have begun chanting “Not My Holiday” in response to Black Friday sales. Others have already started to set cars on fire and breaking into retail stores in order to further express their rage.

The police have attempted to shut down the protests, but have not made any arrests so far because none of the protesters are actually black.

“We condemn all Black Friday protests,” a Black Lives Matter official stated. “You know I’m finna cop that $200 4k flatscreen at Best Buy”

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Disillusioned UCSD CS Students to Math-CS Majors: “They took our jobs”

Rick Ord

A subtle grimace flickered on the face of Sophomore Computer Science (CS) student, Jacob Grady as Math-CS Major Li Qiang sauntered into B250. “Dirty MatLabber,” sneered Jacob as Li quietly sat down at the adjacent lab computer.

A trend of antagonistic behavior towards Math-CS students has been increasingly prevalent within the undergraduate Computer Science community since it became impacted just four years ago. Tensions flared again last year when Math-CS became impacted–doubling in size after a single year–putting a burden on the UCSD tech job market and leaving many young CS students disillusioned about their six-figure job prospects. Since then, CS majors have coined the derogatory term “MatLabber,” or just “Labber” for short, to describe unwanted Math-CS students.

“It’s like, not fair” Jacob said looking down at his sticker coated MacBook Pro, struggling to debug his CSE 30 assignment. “What the fuck is a seg fault!” He yelled abruptly.

“Anyway,” Jacob continued, “I got into UCSD as a CS major, and some fuckin’ labber’ gets in for Poli Sci, switches to Math-CS, and takes my Google internship? Fuck that noise! If you ask me, Rick Ord is right, we need to build a wall.”

Rick Ord, a populist professor at UCSD, has recently stirred up a large following among undergraduate CS majors, many feeling disillusioned with their futures.

But let me tell all you folks something–I’m very smart, very smart–and back when I went to school CS was great. We won, we won so bigly.

“I’m just a simple boy from the midwest,” started Dr. Ord at one of his rallies inside EBU3 1202 last week. “But let me tell all you folks something–I’m very smart, very smart–and back when I went to school CS was great. We won, we won so bigly. Just look at India. Now, folks, I know India, I know many people there–very smart people. They tell me–you know what they tell me? They’re beating us people. It’s bad. Not good folks.”

The crowd really started to heat up after Professor Ord began his patented wall pitch. “We’re going to build a wall around the CS building folks, a great wall–the great firewall, folks. And who’s going to pay for it?”

“The Math Department!” yelled the crowd in unison.

In a recent and stunning development, the current chair of the Computer Science Department, Dean Tullsen, has been ousted by Rick Ord and his over-enthusiastic group of CSE 11 tutors. Since his victory, Ord has already started work building the wall around the Computer Science building, which can be seen taking shape behind the Rock Bear.

In his concession email, Tullsen wrote, “Rick Ord is going to be our chairman. We owe him an open mind and the chance to lead. I hope that he will be a successful chair for all CS Tritons.”

The Koala will continue to follow this story as it develops.

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ISIS Determined to Promote Trigger Warnings, Create Safe Spaces

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As the battle for Mosul continues, ISIS casualties have slowly been piling up. More specifically, hundreds of ISIS’s treasured child soldiers, the “Caliphate Cubs,” and student soldiers from the Mosul Institute of Terrorism (MIT, previously the University of Mosul) have been brutally murdered on the front lines by US backed Iraqi Special forces.

“Enough is enough–we must protect our students and our children,” said Suq Madic, a third year student at MIT. “Like the rebel students of America, we also need trigger warnings; we also need safe spaces! They are the key to victory against the white men of the West!”

The extremists believe that American university students are also at war with the US Government and have implemented ‘trigger warnings’ to predict future attacks, and ‘safe spaces’ to protect themselves from drone strikes and tank fire.

“The MIT students seem to have been misguided by translation errors,” says Henry Cook, a Linguistic professor Harvard. “The extremists believe that American university students are also at war with the US Government and have implemented ‘trigger warnings’ to predict future attacks, and ‘safe spaces’ to protect themselves from drone strikes and tank fire.”

Following the powerful post-election protest, Suq and his brother Liq Madic reached out to the UCSD student body to understand how they create safe spaces for their students.

From: Suq Madiq <bombdatbooty420@mit.isis.edu>, Liq Madiq <ilovevirgins72@mit.isis.edu>
To: Daniel Juarez <aspresident@ucsd.edu>
Date: 2016-11-10 8:19am
Subject: How to promote trigger warnings, safe spaces?

Hello UCSD rebels,

We have heard stories of great fight with The United States government a few days ago and seek your help in our struggle. Your voices have not been ignored.

As similar minorities and oppressed peoples, we need you help creating trigger warnings and safe spaces for muslims and people of Iraq and Syria. We have differences in past but now we have much in common. We both burn cars when we’re angry, both hate Donald Trump, and love a white woman on top! Please, help us protect our students and childrens from our common enemies!

Allahu Akbar,
Suq Madic

After receiving the email and aggregating responses from many of the UCSD protesters, A.S. President Daniel Juarez responded to Suq and Liq with the following email, also forwarded to the UCSD student body:

From: Daniel Juarez <aspresident@ucsd.edu>
To: Suq Madiq <bombdatbooty420@mit.isis.edu>, Liq Madiq <ilovevirgins72@mit.isis.edu>
Date: 2016-11-10 10:17am
Subject: Re: How to promote trigger warnings, safe spaces?

Hi Suq and Liq,

Thanks for your email and kind words about our protest a few days ago: We really did stick it to the U.S. Government and our corrupt democracy!

If you would like to follow suit, all you need to do is follow a few simple steps:

  1. First, in order to make sure none of your people get triggered, notify any resistance about when and where you will be marching.
  2. Gather all of your people together in a tight column on a major road and begin marching straight towards any resistance to make sure you get your voice heard!
  3. Chant why you feel unsafe while marching.

The large numbers will intimidate any people who oppose your views and the chanting will make it impossible for them to speak over you.

Daniel Juarez
Pronouns: She/Her/Hers, They/Them/Theirs
President, Associated Students
University of California, San Diego
aspresident@ucsd.edu
http://as.ucsd.edu/
(619) 962-2969

Iraqi Special Forces have since quickly wiped out most of the ISIS insurgency in Mosul after most ISIS forces marched towards the Iraqi lines chanting “Drones aren’t fair” before getting carpet bombed by an allied drone strike. President Elect Donald Trump responded to the Iraqi victory praising trigger warnings and safe spaces for being completely useless.

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No on Prop 64: Protect Our Women and Children

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Editor’s Note: The Koala Editor has $50 riding on weed not getting legalized. However, this has absolutely no effect on the viewpoint of the Koala or the stone cold truth laid out in this neutral, fact-driven, pulitzer worthy article.

Prop 64 seems like a smoker’s dream; you can just walk into a store without a med card and buy weed while your abusive dad buys liquor. Oh, and supporters of Prop 64 claim it will expand the industry, bring money to education, and make a large black market go away, how fantastic! The reality of the situation is that the people who wrote prop 64 banked on the fact that all the college students voting yes would be too high to read the damn proposition, so I’m gonna lay this shit out for all you stoners in an essay format your seventh grade english teacher would be proud of.

Marijuana killed my dog and daughter. Now I live in box behind The Che Cafe.

First, prop 64 is going to burn up all the small businesses that grow the fucking weed. Regulations can cost farms one hundred thousand dollars a damn year. This isn’t even including the extra tax on every ounce grown. So the costs and regulations of owning a weed farm are going to get higher than you if you smoke ALL THEIR DAMN WEED.

Next, prop 64 will not bring money to education. I figure some of yall are saying, “I’m fine with spending more money on my sweet OG kush if it helps the state out a lot.”

Maybe that’s true. Maybe I would even be down to drop an extra twenty bucks on an ounce of some green crack if it helps little Johnny and Susie learn long division in second grade instead of third grade. But the reality of the situation is that it won’t. The money is going to help little Johnny and Susie learn that smoking weed is bad in the most ironic law of the century, and the rest of the tax revenues are going to go make sure that police get extra funding – despite the fact that they are decreasing the amount of illegal activity.

Finally, everyone is saying the black market of weed is going to go away. But here is the thing; if you are taxing and regulating the fuck out of the weed market, growers aren’t going to bend over and take that fucking. Despite probably being some of the laziest people in California, people who smoke weed tend to do really creative shit to smoke for cheap, and it isn’t going to be any different once weed is legalized. Why else would only 31% of current weed growers support prop 64?

In conclusion…To finish off this (hopefully, but probably not) magnificent seventh grade style article, let’s recite our three main points: weed businesses and growers will get fucked, the money in profits won’t go to anywhere you probably want them to, and the weed black market will continue to live.

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UCSD Could Learn a Thing or Two From the UCLA Shooter

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Everyone knows that USCD is full of bitter UCLA rejects. And boy, do we have every right to be bitter. UCLA has a better social scene, better athletics, and a better academic reputation. As of June 1st, UCLA beats UCSD in another, increasingly important aspect of college life: school shootings. Frankly, Tritons, we need to improve our murder-suicide game.

Although the Elliot Rodger shooting spree at UCSB still tops the UC Killing Spree podium, today’s shooting at UCLA certainly takes the silver medal. Meanwhile, UCSD languishes in a 7-way tie for the bronze, despite having a campus culture toxic enough to lead the nation in school shooting deaths.

Don’t get me wrong, I am in no way condoning violence. However, I think the UCSD community should consider how our campus culture influences the way we choose to kill ourselves. We Tritons would never go out in a hail of gunfire, or have the tenacity to take a professor down with us. Instead, we accidentally drink ourselves to death after a mediocre concert “festival.”

While the recent suicide-by-poison near campus earns points for creativity, it was not nearly public enough to move UCSD up in the campus suicide power rankings. In fact, that suicide is emblematic of the major issue confronting UCSD students. The campus culture of UCSD is extremely poisonous, yet students have no way to release the toxicity from their system. A UCSD student literally chose a torturously slow poisoning death over attending a school less than a mile from the beach. Worse yet, that student chose to die in isolation, instead of revealing her agony to the rest of the community. This is likely your first time hearing about the suicide.

On May 10th, 1970, UCSD senior George Winnie Jr. self-immolated in Revelle Plaza to protest the Vietnam War. Although Winnie botched the attempt (he didn’t die until several hours later), his message was powerful enough to earn him three separate memorials around campus. Since 1970, UCSD students have not only become suicidal but have also lost the willpower to publically identify the campus culture that drove them to it.

Perhaps if there were more creative outlets available to UCSD students, like buildings dedicated to graffiti or student-run satire papers, the campus climate would improve. Perhaps, that cultural shift would dissuade a few students from self-harm. However, the UCSD administration has systematically eliminated such creative outlets over the last 4 years.

So, if you’re at a point where you simply must commit suicide, I encourage you to go out with a “bang,” “splat,” “zip,” or whatever the fuck will shed some light on UCSD’s toxic campus culture. Don’t go quietly into that goodnight, but don’t take anybody down with you. Tape a picture of Kholsa’s face to your back before you jump. Send your suicide note to The Koala, we might publish it.

UCSD harbors enough self-hating, high functioning autists to capture the UC Killing Spree gold. Maybe one day our suicide rate will reflect how toxic our campus really is.