ISIS Determined to Promote Trigger Warnings, Create Safe Spaces

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As the battle for Mosul continues, ISIS casualties have slowly been piling up. More specifically, hundreds of ISIS’s treasured child soldiers, the “Caliphate Cubs,” and student soldiers from the Mosul Institute of Terrorism (MIT, previously the University of Mosul) have been brutally murdered on the front lines by US backed Iraqi Special forces.

“Enough is enough–we must protect our students and our children,” said Suq Madic, a third year student at MIT. “Like the rebel students of America, we also need trigger warnings; we also need safe spaces! They are the key to victory against the white men of the West!”

The extremists believe that American university students are also at war with the US Government and have implemented ‘trigger warnings’ to predict future attacks, and ‘safe spaces’ to protect themselves from drone strikes and tank fire.

“The MIT students seem to have been misguided by translation errors,” says Henry Cook, a Linguistic professor Harvard. “The extremists believe that American university students are also at war with the US Government and have implemented ‘trigger warnings’ to predict future attacks, and ‘safe spaces’ to protect themselves from drone strikes and tank fire.”

Following the powerful post-election protest, Suq and his brother Liq Madic reached out to the UCSD student body to understand how they create safe spaces for their students.

From: Suq Madiq <bombdatbooty420@mit.isis.edu>, Liq Madiq <ilovevirgins72@mit.isis.edu>
To: Daniel Juarez <aspresident@ucsd.edu>
Date: 2016-11-10 8:19am
Subject: How to promote trigger warnings, safe spaces?

Hello UCSD rebels,

We have heard stories of great fight with The United States government a few days ago and seek your help in our struggle. Your voices have not been ignored.

As similar minorities and oppressed peoples, we need you help creating trigger warnings and safe spaces for muslims and people of Iraq and Syria. We have differences in past but now we have much in common. We both burn cars when we’re angry, both hate Donald Trump, and love a white woman on top! Please, help us protect our students and childrens from our common enemies!

Allahu Akbar,
Suq Madic

After receiving the email and aggregating responses from many of the UCSD protesters, A.S. President Daniel Juarez responded to Suq and Liq with the following email, also forwarded to the UCSD student body:

From: Daniel Juarez <aspresident@ucsd.edu>
To: Suq Madiq <bombdatbooty420@mit.isis.edu>, Liq Madiq <ilovevirgins72@mit.isis.edu>
Date: 2016-11-10 10:17am
Subject: Re: How to promote trigger warnings, safe spaces?

Hi Suq and Liq,

Thanks for your email and kind words about our protest a few days ago: We really did stick it to the U.S. Government and our corrupt democracy!

If you would like to follow suit, all you need to do is follow a few simple steps:

  1. First, in order to make sure none of your people get triggered, notify any resistance about when and where you will be marching.
  2. Gather all of your people together in a tight column on a major road and begin marching straight towards any resistance to make sure you get your voice heard!
  3. Chant why you feel unsafe while marching.

The large numbers will intimidate any people who oppose your views and the chanting will make it impossible for them to speak over you.

Daniel Juarez
Pronouns: She/Her/Hers, They/Them/Theirs
President, Associated Students
University of California, San Diego
aspresident@ucsd.edu
http://as.ucsd.edu/
(619) 962-2969

Iraqi Special Forces have since quickly wiped out most of the ISIS insurgency in Mosul after most ISIS forces marched towards the Iraqi lines chanting “Drones aren’t fair” before getting carpet bombed by an allied drone strike. President Elect Donald Trump responded to the Iraqi victory praising trigger warnings and safe spaces for being completely useless.