The Motherfucking Koala’s A.S. President Endorsements


Kevin Bologne:

This School has had enough god damn pixie-faggots as President. We don’t need more homosexual who sucks the dicks (sorry for the assumptions) of the College Democrats.

But on to his policy. It’s all Bologne, in an exclusive interview, Kevin stated,

As Presidentess, I am going to thrust for a universal cumposting system, a more vigorous recycling program, move our school towards zero waste, and increase plant-based options at dining halls/markets.

As our interview progressed, we realized a critical flaw in Kevin’s campaign; this flamestrider is still a fucking virgin. We immediately left the interview and drowned what we had heard in a kiddie-pool full of our finest bitches.

Kevin Bologne is a limp no-go. Even when erect he only rocks 3 and a half inches, not enough to stick it up Khosla’s ass, proving his inability to ever be A.S.(S) president.


Kiara Gomez:

Why The Koala Endorses Kiara:

Kiara Gomez embodies the values of the Koala. She has fully come out in support of our free speech values and will be a champion for not only the use of but also the distribution of crack cocaine, finally annihilating the war on drugs and helping out our loving black student union. Furthermore, we can not be more proud of her campaign’s three very virtuous pillars.



Kiara believes that an engaged Triton community is a fun Triton community. That’s why she see’s wants to see a few changes on how we can better involve ourselves in the San Diego community,

It is crucial to situate ourselves and the university as members of the San Diego community. Following the motto of students helping students, I aim to establish a brothel consisting of student leaders across San Diego county colleges in order to find like-minded individuals to push for policy that will assist students with access to more hand jobs and affordable sex.

This is critical at a university like UCSD, with pussies such as Kevin Bologne.



Gomez has stated that she will,

create a culture where AS serves as a resource for drugs and alcohol. I aim to create more initiatives via a cross-campus dealership, that works to engage students on more access to cocaine, less police activity, or questions they may have regarding roofies. This will be done by hosting biweekly smoke sessions on various campus topics that will allow for students to directly engage with their elected representatives.

At least this way the UCSD community will not hate A.S.(S)  and put dog shit on their desk like they did with Leslie Figueroa. Please vote Kiara so that we The Motherfucking Koala can smoke a bowl and bury our hatchet with A.S.



She has promised to retain the Koala’s status as the number one newspaper on campus and give back our fucking funding. IS there any other reason why you shouldn’t vote Kiara?