Category Archives: News

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The Motherfucking Koala’s A.S. President Endorsements

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Kevin Bologne:

This School has had enough god damn pixie-faggots as President. We don’t need more homosexual who sucks the dicks (sorry for the assumptions) of the College Democrats.

But on to his policy. It’s all Bologne, in an exclusive interview, Kevin stated,

As Presidentess, I am going to thrust for a universal cumposting system, a more vigorous recycling program, move our school towards zero waste, and increase plant-based options at dining halls/markets.

As our interview progressed, we realized a critical flaw in Kevin’s campaign; this flamestrider is still a fucking virgin. We immediately left the interview and drowned what we had heard in a kiddie-pool full of our finest bitches.

Kevin Bologne is a limp no-go. Even when erect he only rocks 3 and a half inches, not enough to stick it up Khosla’s ass, proving his inability to ever be A.S.(S) president.

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Kiara Gomez:

Why The Koala Endorses Kiara:

Kiara Gomez embodies the values of the Koala. She has fully come out in support of our free speech values and will be a champion for not only the use of but also the distribution of crack cocaine, finally annihilating the war on drugs and helping out our loving black student union. Furthermore, we can not be more proud of her campaign’s three very virtuous pillars.

 

Engage:

Kiara believes that an engaged Triton community is a fun Triton community. That’s why she see’s wants to see a few changes on how we can better involve ourselves in the San Diego community,

It is crucial to situate ourselves and the university as members of the San Diego community. Following the motto of students helping students, I aim to establish a brothel consisting of student leaders across San Diego county colleges in order to find like-minded individuals to push for policy that will assist students with access to more hand jobs and affordable sex.

This is critical at a university like UCSD, with pussies such as Kevin Bologne.

 

Connect:

Gomez has stated that she will,

create a culture where AS serves as a resource for drugs and alcohol. I aim to create more initiatives via a cross-campus dealership, that works to engage students on more access to cocaine, less police activity, or questions they may have regarding roofies. This will be done by hosting biweekly smoke sessions on various campus topics that will allow for students to directly engage with their elected representatives.

At least this way the UCSD community will not hate A.S.(S)  and put dog shit on their desk like they did with Leslie Figueroa. Please vote Kiara so that we The Motherfucking Koala can smoke a bowl and bury our hatchet with A.S.

 

Retain:

She has promised to retain the Koala’s status as the number one newspaper on campus and give back our fucking funding. IS there any other reason why you shouldn’t vote Kiara?

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#iUndieStand: UCSD’s Panty Snatcher Comes out as Transgender

 

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After much bewilderment over the past few weeks about the mysterious flight of Panties at UCSD’s sixth college, the UCSD police caught one celibate David C. This has sadly resulted in many students bullying David for the comic gold of stealing panty’s from washing machines to fill the hollow void of an actual woman’s love. We here at The Koala, however, smell a different stench from this thong.

I have had no sexual encounters in my life except with women’s underwear, and I now choose to live life as a transgender. I want to deal with this honestly and openly and that starts with examining my own behavior

Students close to the situation allege that David came out as a transgender after the mighty unlacing. To further this claim, we contacted David personally. In our interview, a sniffling husk whimpered,

“I honestly do not remember stealing those panties; it would have been over 30 hours ago. But even if I did steal seven panties a day for the last five weeks, I owe the women the sincerest apology for what would have been deeply inappropriate drunken behavior. As those closest to me know, I have had no sexual encounters in my life except with women’s underwear, and I now choose to live life as a transgender. I want to deal with this honestly and openly and that starts with examining my own behavior.”

Despite being heavily criticized throughout the UCSD community, David is not alone. An anonymous group of Warren students also reached out to The Koala, defending David’s actions,

“We don’t understand what the big deal is, we too, lack that sweet punani in our lives, and can only feel the warmth of a woman through her freshly dried drawers upon our transformed genitals. We expect UCSD students to understand the ailments and needs of those of us who have been held back in society by women.”

The Motherfucking Koala supports the plight of the sexually deprived here at UCSD and we cry out SHAME on UCSD for attacking the transgender community, SHAME on UCSD’s student body bullying those in need and SHAME on UCSD’s police department for assaulting his beliefs and identity. The 50’s have passed: men should be free to wear the underwear they want and become the people they see themselves as. The transgender community has the right to express its sexuality however they please and for that reason #iUndieStand. A person’s sexuality cannot be infringed upon, for every human being has the right to say they have a vagina and express it however they feel. Let us end the stigma around women’s underwear together. #YouCanUndiestandToo. And as long as it fits, everyone has the right to wear panties, even if they’re a little tight.

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#Tritons4Tara: This A.S Candidate Wore Blackface, and You Won’t Believe What Happened Next!

When I heard that former AS presidential candidate Tara Vahdani had posted a snapchat of herself in blackface two years ago, I almost literally vomited. Now a new trend at UCSD has Tara’s racist defenders using a blackface filter to show solidarity. CAN YOU SAY SYSTEMIC RACISM???

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          We here at The Motherfucking Koala stand with our colored peers. Blacks have contributed so much to UCSD such as the Compton Cookout, fried chicken in the dining halls, and the amazing MLK luncheon at Canyon Vista. 

          The people involved should be tarred (Tara-ed?) and feathered for their problematic actions. Black supression is a serious issue at this campus: the last UCSD census revealed that we have only 2 coloreds. How is UCSD supposed to be D1 when all the blacks are scared away by little girls wearing charcoal face masks??

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We would like to thank current president Daniel Juarez for having the balls to tell her Chief of Staff Dellanira Alcauter to post the picture. Because Juarez saved this picture from two years ago, the students of UCSD are now aware of the existence of racism.

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Yo Coleslaw, AS, We Got Some Letters For Ya

The Koala

Four actually. Sent by the San Diego ACLU, FIRE (Foundation For Individual Rights In Education), and the SPLC (Student Press Law Center).

Attached you can find all of ’em. You can bet your sweet asses we’re looking forward to the coming weeks. We’d say more, but think the letters speak for themselves.

Big thank yous to the ACLU, FIRE, and SPLC. Enjoy.

ACLU Letter December 1, 2015

FIRE Letter December 14, 2015

SPLC Letter December 21, 2015

Update: We forgot to include a letter signed by UCSD alumni and former campus leaders. It can be found here.