#iUndieStand: UCSD’s Panty Snatcher Comes out as Transgender

 

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After much bewilderment over the past few weeks about the mysterious flight of Panties at UCSD’s sixth college, the UCSD police caught one celibate David C. This has sadly resulted in many students bullying David for the comic gold of stealing panty’s from washing machines to fill the hollow void of an actual woman’s love. We here at The Koala, however, smell a different stench from this thong.

I have had no sexual encounters in my life except with women’s underwear, and I now choose to live life as a transgender. I want to deal with this honestly and openly and that starts with examining my own behavior

Students close to the situation allege that David came out as a transgender after the mighty unlacing. To further this claim, we contacted David personally. In our interview, a sniffling husk whimpered,

“I honestly do not remember stealing those panties; it would have been over 30 hours ago. But even if I did steal seven panties a day for the last five weeks, I owe the women the sincerest apology for what would have been deeply inappropriate drunken behavior. As those closest to me know, I have had no sexual encounters in my life except with women’s underwear, and I now choose to live life as a transgender. I want to deal with this honestly and openly and that starts with examining my own behavior.”

Despite being heavily criticized throughout the UCSD community, David is not alone. An anonymous group of Warren students also reached out to The Koala, defending David’s actions,

“We don’t understand what the big deal is, we too, lack that sweet punani in our lives, and can only feel the warmth of a woman through her freshly dried drawers upon our transformed genitals. We expect UCSD students to understand the ailments and needs of those of us who have been held back in society by women.”

The Motherfucking Koala supports the plight of the sexually deprived here at UCSD and we cry out SHAME on UCSD for attacking the transgender community, SHAME on UCSD’s student body bullying those in need and SHAME on UCSD’s police department for assaulting his beliefs and identity. The 50’s have passed: men should be free to wear the underwear they want and become the people they see themselves as. The transgender community has the right to express its sexuality however they please and for that reason #iUndieStand. A person’s sexuality cannot be infringed upon, for every human being has the right to say they have a vagina and express it however they feel. Let us end the stigma around women’s underwear together. #YouCanUndiestandToo. And as long as it fits, everyone has the right to wear panties, even if they’re a little tight.

“Black” UCSD Protesters Shut Down La Jolla Mall, None Arrested

Black Friday Protest

Black Friday Protest

On November 25th, 2016, white UCSD students who painted themselves black shut down all major store outlets in La Jolla and the surrounding area, in protest of the unofficial holiday “Black Friday.”

“Black Friday is offensive to many black people,” A.S. president Danielle Chuarez said. “As a school that accepts all cultures, UCSD does not promote any holidays that may discriminate against those who are less fortunate. Black Friday wrongly attributes black people to being ‘cheap’ and ‘violent.’”

“Black Friday does not appropriately honor black people,” said Jackson Michaels, a UCSD freshman and Black Friday protester. “White people oppress minorities by using discounts to bait them into following their capitalist ways. My duty, as a person of privilege, is to protest their white-washing attempts and break into stores in order to truly give back to my fellow black community–damn it feels good to be an ally.”

Numerous protesters have begun chanting “Not My Holiday” in response to Black Friday sales. Others have already started to set cars on fire and breaking into retail stores in order to further express their rage.

The police have attempted to shut down the protests, but have not made any arrests so far because none of the protesters are actually black.

“We condemn all Black Friday protests,” a Black Lives Matter official stated. “You know I’m finna cop that $200 4k flatscreen at Best Buy”

Disillusioned UCSD CS Students to Math-CS Majors: “They took our jobs”

Rick Ord

A subtle grimace flickered on the face of Sophomore Computer Science (CS) student, Jacob Grady as Math-CS Major Li Qiang sauntered into B250. “Dirty MatLabber,” sneered Jacob as Li quietly sat down at the adjacent lab computer.

A trend of antagonistic behavior towards Math-CS students has been increasingly prevalent within the undergraduate Computer Science community since it became impacted just four years ago. Tensions flared again last year when Math-CS became impacted–doubling in size after a single year–putting a burden on the UCSD tech job market and leaving many young CS students disillusioned about their six-figure job prospects. Since then, CS majors have coined the derogatory term “MatLabber,” or just “Labber” for short, to describe unwanted Math-CS students.

“It’s like, not fair” Jacob said looking down at his sticker coated MacBook Pro, struggling to debug his CSE 30 assignment. “What the fuck is a seg fault!” He yelled abruptly.

“Anyway,” Jacob continued, “I got into UCSD as a CS major, and some fuckin’ labber’ gets in for Poli Sci, switches to Math-CS, and takes my Google internship? Fuck that noise! If you ask me, Rick Ord is right, we need to build a wall.”

Rick Ord, a populist professor at UCSD, has recently stirred up a large following among undergraduate CS majors, many feeling disillusioned with their futures.

But let me tell all you folks something–I’m very smart, very smart–and back when I went to school CS was great. We won, we won so bigly.

“I’m just a simple boy from the midwest,” started Dr. Ord at one of his rallies inside EBU3 1202 last week. “But let me tell all you folks something–I’m very smart, very smart–and back when I went to school CS was great. We won, we won so bigly. Just look at India. Now, folks, I know India, I know many people there–very smart people. They tell me–you know what they tell me? They’re beating us people. It’s bad. Not good folks.”

The crowd really started to heat up after Professor Ord began his patented wall pitch. “We’re going to build a wall around the CS building folks, a great wall–the great firewall, folks. And who’s going to pay for it?”

“The Math Department!” yelled the crowd in unison.

In a recent and stunning development, the current chair of the Computer Science Department, Dean Tullsen, has been ousted by Rick Ord and his over-enthusiastic group of CSE 11 tutors. Since his victory, Ord has already started work building the wall around the Computer Science building, which can be seen taking shape behind the Rock Bear.

In his concession email, Tullsen wrote, “Rick Ord is going to be our chairman. We owe him an open mind and the chance to lead. I hope that he will be a successful chair for all CS Tritons.”

The Koala will continue to follow this story as it develops.

UCSD Could Learn a Thing or Two From the UCLA Shooter

UCLA Shooting

Everyone knows that USCD is full of bitter UCLA rejects. And boy, do we have every right to be bitter. UCLA has a better social scene, better athletics, and a better academic reputation. As of June 1st, UCLA beats UCSD in another, increasingly important aspect of college life: school shootings. Frankly, Tritons, we need to improve our murder-suicide game.

Although the Elliot Rodger shooting spree at UCSB still tops the UC Killing Spree podium, today’s shooting at UCLA certainly takes the silver medal. Meanwhile, UCSD languishes in a 7-way tie for the bronze, despite having a campus culture toxic enough to lead the nation in school shooting deaths.

Don’t get me wrong, I am in no way condoning violence. However, I think the UCSD community should consider how our campus culture influences the way we choose to kill ourselves. We Tritons would never go out in a hail of gunfire, or have the tenacity to take a professor down with us. Instead, we accidentally drink ourselves to death after a mediocre concert “festival.”

While the recent suicide-by-poison near campus earns points for creativity, it was not nearly public enough to move UCSD up in the campus suicide power rankings. In fact, that suicide is emblematic of the major issue confronting UCSD students. The campus culture of UCSD is extremely poisonous, yet students have no way to release the toxicity from their system. A UCSD student literally chose a torturously slow poisoning death over attending a school less than a mile from the beach. Worse yet, that student chose to die in isolation, instead of revealing her agony to the rest of the community. This is likely your first time hearing about the suicide.

On May 10th, 1970, UCSD senior George Winnie Jr. self-immolated in Revelle Plaza to protest the Vietnam War. Although Winnie botched the attempt (he didn’t die until several hours later), his message was powerful enough to earn him three separate memorials around campus. Since 1970, UCSD students have not only become suicidal but have also lost the willpower to publically identify the campus culture that drove them to it.

Perhaps if there were more creative outlets available to UCSD students, like buildings dedicated to graffiti or student-run satire papers, the campus climate would improve. Perhaps, that cultural shift would dissuade a few students from self-harm. However, the UCSD administration has systematically eliminated such creative outlets over the last 4 years.

So, if you’re at a point where you simply must commit suicide, I encourage you to go out with a “bang,” “splat,” “zip,” or whatever the fuck will shed some light on UCSD’s toxic campus culture. Don’t go quietly into that goodnight, but don’t take anybody down with you. Tape a picture of Kholsa’s face to your back before you jump. Send your suicide note to The Koala, we might publish it.

UCSD harbors enough self-hating, high functioning autists to capture the UC Killing Spree gold. Maybe one day our suicide rate will reflect how toxic our campus really is.

The Koala vs. UCSD Administrators: “The Trial of the Fucking Century”

The Trial of the Century

Today, the ACLU San Diego filed a lawsuit against the UCSD administration and Associated Students citing freedom of the press and freedom of speech violations. As the news broke and reporters and journalists from around the world honed in on UCSD’s campus, media outlets and legal historians quickly realized the gravity of the ensuing “trial of the century.”

Not even OJ killing two more people could top this #TrialOfTheCentury
-Fox News

“The trial of the fucking century” tweeted CNN earlier today in response to the announcement. Fox News then replied, “Not even OJ killing two more people could top this #TrialOfTheCentury.”

On a more serious note, The Koala reached out to famous legal historian, Seymour Booke, who commented, “What we are seeing here is a legitimate ‘trial of the century.’ Past media frenzies surrounding large-scale trials pale in comparison to The Koala vs. UCSD Administrators and I don’t think any future case will either. So buckle up and bring some floaties because this Shit-Storm is about to turn into a Shit-Hurricane.”

This morning The Koala visited OJ Simpson, the once king of high profile court cases, who commented, “I’ll fucking stab you like I did my ex-wife that bitch-ass waiter … in my book If I Did It” then aggressively slammed the prison telephone. Robert Kardashian, know by many through his involvement in Mr. Simpson’s trial followed up with The Koala through an angrily-worded email, stating “You better not make a sex tape and try to profit off this.” Don’t worry Mr. Kardashian, we will. Ray J just hit us up and we’re already casting for the film. Who needs AS funds when you can just make a porno with a B-list celebrity!

The Koala will continue to bring up to date coverage of this once in a lifetime event through the summer and into the next academic year so stay tuned.

The Koala Presents: Milo Yiannopoulos

With the help of the College Republicans at UCSD we’re excited to announce that the world’s most dangerous faggot, Milo Yiannopoulos, will be speaking at our beautiful San Diego campus on Monday, June 6th.

Milo will speak about chalkings, the plague of political correctness, feminism, trigger warnings, safe spaces among many other topics! Q&A session to follow.

Tickets are on sale for $5 (we are not making a profit – proceeds will cover the cost of the event). Buy them in person at the UCSD box office, or online (but you’ll have to pay an additional $4.90 processing fee) https://ucsdboxoffice.com/Online/.

Check out the event on Facebook here: https://www.facebook.com/events/232528867138340/

On-Campus Starbucks Directly Correlated With Increasing Number of Dropouts

UC San Diego Starbucks

Just months after the new Starbucks opened in Price Center the university has reported a shocking increase in the number of student dropouts. The annual rate for the 2013-14 and 2014-15 years were 6.8, and 7.0% respectively. For the 2015-16 year, even though it is not yet complete, the dropout rate has risen to over 27%. How can that be right?

The Koala’s data science and analytics team was tasked with tracking the source of the issue, and the answer, is in fact, Starbucks. The 27% has been found, surprisingly, to be mostly comprised of Communication, Critical Gender Studies, Judaic Studies, Literature, Sociology, and Urban Studies and Planning majors. In our figures, we have not included students who’ve dropped out by killing themselves — this group is mostly comprised of Computer Science students.

After interviewing numerous students in each major we arrived at a loud and clear consensus: why obtain a useless degree and end up working at Starbucks when you can skip a step and work at Starbucks on campus. After hours of laborious research, the Koala R&D team concluded the Starbucks is to blame for the sudden rise in dropouts.

This rare showing of intelligence (dropping out) has raised the question about why these students were ever in such useless majors to begin with. In other news, the UC Regents has banned Starbucks from opening up on any other UC campus.

Student Debt Protesters Trouble Gaining Support Attributed to Not Being Able to Afford a Quality Megaphone

Shitty Megaphone

     The morning of Tuesday, April 19th was a sad day for student debt protesters.  A dismal crowd had arrived for a support Bernie/Anti-Trump/Pro-Diversity/Stop Student Debt/Anti-affirmative Action Protest/Rally.  The organizers were hoping to gather a larger crowd by belting chants and semi-coherent speeches through a megaphone. The first speaker stood in front of the crowd to begin her sob story. She raised the megaphone to her mouth and in sync with her double chin wobbling and cried out “WAAAWWAAA WAAWAAWAA WAAAWAAA WAAAA WAAAAA.”

WAAAWWAAA WAAWAAWAA WAAAWAAA WAAAA WAAAAA.

               Initially, we thought the protester had set the megaphone to make her voice sound like Charlie Brown’s teacher, cool. However, as more word-vomit erupted from her mouth we started to realize it was just a really, really shitty megaphone. Not only could nobody understand her, attempts at unified chants quickly devolved into off-beat babbling. As confused passersby dragged their friends away it became apparent that the protestors had failed because of their lack of skrilla and their hoot-ass megaphone. 

               This all made us here at The Koala wonder, will there ever be enough opposition to rising tuition if voices of minorities cannot be heard?  How can we as students help these minorities be heard?  We’ve decided the best way to help them is to find out what they have to say first, which is why it is important to get a better megaphone in their hands ASAP.  Unfortunately, for the protesters, this is an impossible goal. Nobody at UCSD likes to shell out for anything worthwhile, so the only other solution is to support a candidate that will speak for them. Go to www.ucsdminoritiesneedtobeheard.org to find out more.