UCSD CSE Students Struggle With Cumshot Deficiency

“It was like trying to squeeze the last bit of toothpaste out of the tube” says Junior Ivana Jerkov about her, now ex, boyfriend and Computer Science major Jared Smith’s cumshot the night before: “it was pathetic.”

This sentiment is shared by many women who have been let down by the dreaded “CS cumshot” which looks and feels more like a dripping faucet than a hefty, virile load.

When asked by The Koala about his poor shooting, Jared declined to comment. Instead, he looked up from his MacBook as a single tear ran down his cheek — much like his pitiful attempt at a money shot the previous night.

These once fertile young men have the sperm count of a 75-year-old Vietnam veteran with only one testicle.

According to human biology professor Seymour Cox, the long-term effects of laptop use and prolonged sitting without exercise “can cause these once fertile young men to have the sperm count of a 75-year-old Vietnam veteran with only one testicle.” Research has shown that over 69% of all male CS majors suffer from laptop-induced “Cumshot Deficiency” or “CD” for short.

Cox urged CS students to spread the news about CD and the dangers it poses, making you look like a pathetic, infertile pussy.

“I mean, I’d rather he have a floppy than CD” lamented one sophomore about her boyfriend, also a CS major, “the bigger and slower the load the better.”

If you believe you or one of your loved ones sufferers from CD, please contact the toll-free hotline at 1-800-CUM-SHOT or just go outside, you fucking loser.

UCSD D1 Sports: 50 Yards Away Yet Again

Deez Nuts

So that didn’t take very long did it? Stephan Curry usurps King James Game of Thrones style in the NBA, the government says the economy is still on the upswing and not only does UCSD think they can actually play sports, but that they think they can pay for it too. Well as the adage goes, “if you can’t bring the game, don’t bring the ball” and as we’ll show, UCSD definitely cannot bring the game.

To give you a basic impression of the kind of thinking underpinning the argument for D1, our friends at the  had this to say:

…We belong in D1 because our average SAT score is 170 points higher than the D1 average…

By their (flawless) logic, the fucking Warriors should step down for King Triton and his big, swinging Verbal score even though our basketball team could still get trounced by a group of inner city high school kids.

Yeah they have a point. Why should our valiant squad be limited to getting their faces kicked in by the mongrels in Division 2? Let’s put that better average vertical leap in D1 to good use, and let our boys get stomped all over the yard (at the low, low cost of 11.9 MILLION FUCKING DOLLARS).

While we’re on the subject, let’s talk about money. The proposed bill calls for a piddly $480/year increase with an additional 3% increase to be added every year after for inflation (D1 sports is better funded than the fucking minimum wage, trufax). What could we do with the phenomenal amount of money it raises that’s not nearly as fucking retarded as funding a D1 program?

  • At $200/sq ft, you could pave 2 miles of 6ft-wide sidewalk with crocodile skin. We could cover Library Walk and the other PRESTIGIOUS parts of our campus in the best couture money can buy.
  • At $21/gallon on amazon, you could buy a whopping 10,120 gallons of lube to fund the thousands of UCSD virgins’ relentless masturbatory conquests.
  • You could pay for the phrase: “EAT A DICK, UCLA” to be sky-written over San Diego about 15 times a day for $11.9 million.
  • You could build a water-slide from the glider port to Black’s beach with a return chairlift (hell, ticket sales could pay for it!*)
  • If we actually want to get good and productive, we could spend a fraction of what is being proposed on cash purses for intramural sports. What better way to get people excited about a collegiate athletics program than give them the chance to win a few thousand bucks? Hell, you’d have random people being conscripted for new teams every day in Geisel.

And these are just the proposals we thought of that are slightly less retarded than D1 sports. Actual alternatives proposed by serious people (fuck them) range from paying for libraries to stay open, bolstering scholarship funds, or make more student parking on campus for fucks sake. But clearly those are way less important than making sure we get to pay for a handful of troglodytes to throw a pigskin around, right?

But shit, these are just the Koala’s zany ideas; what does the actual NCAA have to say on if D1 is a good idea? Essentially, not what the “pro” crowd has been feeding your complacent asses. From the organization’s own 2016 Revenues/Expenses report:

  • Sport-for-sport expenses outweigh revenues across the board (p.36)
  • Women coaches are paid on average one-third what male coaches are (p.39/TAKE THAT TITLE IX!)
  • That D1 sports even without the hilarious waste of money that is football similarly hemorrhage money (p. 75) and….
  • That on average, student fees end up accounting for 42% of athletics dept. revenues (p.92).

But these are just numbers, and if you’re a supporter of D1 sports, there’s a pretty good chance those have never mattered to you. Let’s look at what actually happens at schools with D1 programs. UC Berkeley will serve as a good example, seeing as so many of you stupid fucks wanted to go there anyway.

Alex Saragoza, a longtime ethnic studies professor turned into systemwide athletics administrator, was suspended in 2000 after it became known that he’d retroactively enrolled 2 students in Spring 1999 courses (which they never took) and gave them C’s, just so that they could play football. The funniest thing is that suspending him from teaching his Chicano Studies classes didn’t accomplish much, because he taught those classes for free. It’s implausible that anyone could teach that particular course for free, unless of course he was paid $207,000 a year from the office of the UC President.

If we get a D1 program, maybe we too can get unapologetic grade inflation by some ethnic studies crank paid more than you can ever expect to make upon graduation from your hard science. I mean, it’s not like your degree is worth anything WITHOUT a D1 program, right? Shit, someday just maybe, we too can even have all our alumni ditch the school after our undergrads riot in defense of a child-rapist coach as our comrades at Penn State so artfully did. Because clearly, paying for tickets to watch our gladiators get slaughtered by some other school’s much bigger gladiators is the only prerequisite to a sane college experience. Or more likely it’s comprehensible to vote for a VOLUNTARY $490/year fee increase (WOW! $5 cheaper than the shit they tried to pull in 2012) only when your mommy and daddy are footing the bill.

*your opponents see no need to accurately represent costs or revenues, so why should we?

Yo Coleslaw, AS, We Got Some Letters For Ya

The Koala

Four actually. Sent by the San Diego ACLU, FIRE (Foundation For Individual Rights In Education), and the SPLC (Student Press Law Center).

Attached you can find all of ’em. You can bet your sweet asses we’re looking forward to the coming weeks. We’d say more, but think the letters speak for themselves.

Big thank yous to the ACLU, FIRE, and SPLC. Enjoy.

ACLU Letter December 1, 2015

FIRE Letter December 14, 2015

SPLC Letter December 21, 2015

Update: We forgot to include a letter signed by UCSD alumni and former campus leaders. It can be found here.

Koala Staff Get The Inside Scoop: Behind The Denouncement

Koala Denounced

Yesterday the UC San Diego administration released a statement denouncing The Motherfucking Koala. We thought it was very, very cute. What you may not know is that we knew about the statement days before it was published. We tasked our recruits to go undercover in order to infiltrate Ballsdeep Pradeep’s headquarters, documenting his meetings, files, and private items. They were incredibly successful. Behind the piles of dental dams, curry flavored lube, and empty cans of Gerber’s Vegetable Turkey Dinner flavored baby food, we found Prunedip’s computer. On that computer, we found the following chain of emails:

On Sun, 11/15/15, Ballsdeep Pradeep <ballsdeep@ucsd.edu> wrote:
Subject: Koala’s At It Again, What Do I Do??
To: incompetent-administrators@ucsd.edu

Well guys, looks like the Koala mentioned black people again, we may need to do some damage control…I’m thinking a nice denouncement message will calm the uppity student body.

Also, who’s got a hook for coke? These damn Del Mar hookers don’t know how to share.

Pradeep K. (The K stands for Kalamity) Khosla

On Sun, 11/15/15, Juan Gonzales <incompetent-administrators@ucsd.edu> wrote:
Subject: Re: Koala’s At It Again, What Do I Do??
To: incompetent-administrators@ucsd.edu, ballsdeep@ucsd.edu

Black people? You mean in the drinking game? I whooped your ass Coleslaw, you handle pull exactly like the small Indian man-child trapped inside your body.

I’ll text you my dealer’s number. His name is The Tijuana Testicle, don’t ask why, and don’t look him in the eye. His shit is so fire you’ll be lucky to pound an 8-ball and survive.

Juan “Juan is the loneliest VC” Gonzales
Vice Chancellor, Student Affairs

On Sun, 11/15/15, Ballsdeep Pradeep <ballsdeep@ucsd.edu> wrote:
Subject: Re: Re: Koala’s At It Again, What Do I Do??
To: incompetent-administrators@ucsd.edu

No, not the drinking game you pansy. Does my 69-second wine bag pull mean nothing to you? I got you back when you passed out and I dunked my balls in your mouth: BALLSDEEP BABY! You know what absinthe does to you. The warm delights of your entrails, the gentle weeps, the dripping orifices – I plugged your holes real good Juanny boy.

Pradeep K. (The K stands for KKK) Khosla

On Sun, 11/15/15, Margaret Leinen <incompetent-administrators@ucsd.edu> wrote:
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Koala’s At It Again, What Do I Do??
To: incompetent-administrators@ucsd.edu, ballsdeep@ucsd.edu

Pradeep, you sodomite. I’ve warned you of the dangers of coke and alcohol fueled orgies. You really must invite me next time so I can show you how to swing like a pro.

Margaret Leinen
Dean, School of Medicine

On Sun, 11/15/15, Juan Gonzales <incompetent-administrators@ucsd.edu> wrote:
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Koala’s At It Again, What Do I Do??
To: incompetent-administrators@ucsd.edu, ballsdeep@ucsd.edu

Pradeep, you shouldn’t be sharing our sexual conquests with everyone. I’m only familiar with student affairs.

Also did you see that list about potato salad? I was laughing my ass off.

Juan “You sure you juanna do that?” Gonzales
Vice Chancellor, Student Affairs

On Sun, 11/15/15, Suresh Subramani <incompetent-administrators@ucsd.edu> wrote:
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Koala’s At It Again, What Do I Do??
To: incompetent-administrators@ucsd.edu, ballsdeep@ucsd.edu

Sorry I’m late to your little discussion, sometimes I get caught up thinking about how much my last name sounds like ‘submarine’ and how I’d rather be on one than dealing with 30,000 crybabies.

That gangsta musical list was my favorite. Did you see what they said about you in the political quotes Pradeep? Spot on! Spot on! How did they know you said those things?

Suresh Submarine
Executive Vice Chancellor

On Sun, 11/15/15, Ballsdeep Pradeep <ballsdeep@ucsd.edu> wrote:
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Koala’s At It Again, What Do I Do??
To: incompetent-administrators@ucsd.edu

We’re getting derailed here. How about a denouncement? I’ll have the new big-titty intern do it. We don’t even have to send out a mass email, just put it up on the website.

Pradeep K. (The K stands for Koala) Khosla

On Sun, 11/15/15, Becky Petitt <incompetent-administrators@ucsd.edu> wrote:
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Koala’s At It Again, What Do I Do??
To: incompetent-administrators@ucsd.edu, ballsdeep@ucsd.edu

Good shit Ballsdeep. I hope this calms the blacks. I’ve got more pressing matters to attend to, the Che Cafe kids are only allowing fags in their club again.

Becky Petitt
Vice Chancellor, Equity, Diversity and Inclusion

UCSD Unveils New Dangerous Space On Campus


Too long have trigger warnings plagued the airwaves. Too long has the no-blacks rule been removed from our campus. Too long have students not been free to offend their hypersensitive peers. “Spam Musubi only $1” and “Holy shit they opened up Starbucks” have replaced the long-gone chants of “Nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger.” Next week, that will all change.

Administrators at UC San Diego are creating an all new, state-of-the-art Dangerous Space for UCSD students who just don’t feel like their needs have been met on campus. In the past few weeks, the lack of dangerous space at UCSD has become increasingly apparent; students have been lashing out with puppy parades, non-violent protests, and other equally safe gimmicks. Safe spaces at UCSD are commonplace, and threaten individuals who do not like feeling safe. The logical next step has been taken by the university in creating a place to fairly support all UCSD students, continuing the university’s theme of inclusion and equality.

Located in the center of Library Walk, the new Dangerous Space is the ideal place for students to do whatever the hell they want. Senior Frank Yu gave The Koala the following statement: “The needs of dangerous-space students have been overlooked for generations, but UCSD is finally recognizing what means the most to 19-year-old Asian nerds: fucking a dead body with a picture of my waifu taped on the face.”

F. Yu isn’t alone. Not only will this new dangerous space allow people of all ethnicities and sizes – even unnaturally large sizes – it will allow for knifes, guns, opinions that might be different than yours, drug paraphernalia, sharp writing instruments, and explicit pornography.

The new Dangerous Space is guaranteed to get students excited for a good time, and will probably end like all good things do, with body mutilation and feelings of remorse.