5 reasons why you should fuck your TA 1. They’re easier than the freshman 2. You already have 3. they’re better in bed than your mom 4. Free extra credit 5. They cant tell everyone how bad you are in bed

Top 5 ways to catch chlamydia 1. Take bus 41 2. Go to an A.S. meeting 3. Talk to the Bernie supports on library walk 4. Having a class in Peterson 5. Fucking Kohsla in the ass

Top 5 reasons to fuck an Asian 1. They wont see it cuming 2. You cant understand the word no in their language 3. They already have daddy issues 4. They’ll pay your rent 5. They’ll do your math homework

Top 5 reasons to join the catholic church 1. Free unprotected gay sex 2. Free wine mixed with cough syrup 3. You wont have to come out to your family 4. kinky confession 5. kneeling not only to pray but to take it up the ass

As the battle for Mosul continues, ISIS casualties have slowly been piling up. More specifically, hundreds of ISIS’s treasured child soldiers, the “Caliphate Cubs,” and student soldiers from the Mosul Institute of Terrorism (MIT, previously the University of Mosul) have been brutally murdered on the front lines by US backed Iraqi Special forces.

“Enough is enough–we must protect our students and our children,” said Suq Madic, a third year student at MIT. “Like the rebel students of America, we also need trigger warnings; we also need safe spaces! They are the key to victory against the white men of the West!”

The extremists believe that American university students are also at war with the US Government and have implemented ‘trigger warnings’ to predict future attacks, and ‘safe spaces’ to protect themselves from drone strikes and tank fire.

“The MIT students seem to have been misguided by translation errors,” says Henry Cook, a Linguistic professor Harvard. “The extremists believe that American university students are also at war with the US Government and have implemented ‘trigger warnings’ to predict future attacks, and ‘safe spaces’ to protect themselves from drone strikes and tank fire.”

Following the powerful post-election protest, Suq and his brother Liq Madic reached out to the UCSD student body to understand how they create safe spaces for their students.

From: Suq Madiq <bombdatbooty420@mit.isis.edu>, Liq Madiq <ilovevirgins72@mit.isis.edu>
To: Daniel Juarez <aspresident@ucsd.edu>
Date: 2016-11-10 8:19am
Subject: How to promote trigger warnings, safe spaces?

Hello UCSD rebels,

We have heard stories of great fight with The United States government a few days ago and seek your help in our struggle. Your voices have not been ignored.

As similar minorities and oppressed peoples, we need you help creating trigger warnings and safe spaces for muslims and people of Iraq and Syria. We have differences in past but now we have much in common. We both burn cars when we’re angry, both hate Donald Trump, and love a white woman on top! Please, help us protect our students and childrens from our common enemies!

Allahu Akbar,
Suq Madic

After receiving the email and aggregating responses from many of the UCSD protesters, A.S. President Daniel Juarez responded to Suq and Liq with the following email, also forwarded to the UCSD student body:

From: Daniel Juarez <aspresident@ucsd.edu>
To: Suq Madiq <bombdatbooty420@mit.isis.edu>, Liq Madiq <ilovevirgins72@mit.isis.edu>
Date: 2016-11-10 10:17am
Subject: Re: How to promote trigger warnings, safe spaces?

Hi Suq and Liq,

Thanks for your email and kind words about our protest a few days ago: We really did stick it to the U.S. Government and our corrupt democracy!

If you would like to follow suit, all you need to do is follow a few simple steps:

1. First, in order to make sure none of your people get triggered, notify any resistance about when and where you will be marching.
2. Gather all of your people together in a tight column on a major road and begin marching straight towards any resistance to make sure you get your voice heard!
3. Chant why you feel unsafe while marching.

The large numbers will intimidate any people who oppose your views and the chanting will make it impossible for them to speak over you.

Daniel Juarez
Pronouns: She/Her/Hers, They/Them/Theirs
President, Associated Students
University of California, San Diego
aspresident@ucsd.edu
http://as.ucsd.edu/
(619) 962-2969

Iraqi Special Forces have since quickly wiped out most of the ISIS insurgency in Mosul after most ISIS forces marched towards the Iraqi lines chanting “Drones aren’t fair” before getting carpet bombed by an allied drone strike. President Elect Donald Trump responded to the Iraqi victory praising trigger warnings and safe spaces for being completely useless.

Editor’s Note: The Koala Editor has $50 riding on weed not getting legalized. However, this has absolutely no effect on the viewpoint of the Koala or the stone cold truth laid out in this neutral, fact-driven, pulitzer worthy article.

Prop 64 seems like a smoker’s dream; you can just walk into a store without a med card and buy weed while your abusive dad buys liquor. Oh, and supporters of Prop 64 claim it will expand the industry, bring money to education, and make a large black market go away, how fantastic! The reality of the situation is that the people who wrote prop 64 banked on the fact that all the college students voting yes would be too high to read the damn proposition, so I’m gonna lay this shit out for all you stoners in an essay format your seventh grade english teacher would be proud of.

Marijuana killed my dog and daughter. Now I live in box behind The Che Cafe.

First, prop 64 is going to burn up all the small businesses that grow the fucking weed. Regulations can cost farms one hundred thousand dollars a damn year. This isn’t even including the extra tax on every ounce grown. So the costs and regulations of owning a weed farm are going to get higher than you if you smoke ALL THEIR DAMN WEED.

Next, prop 64 will not bring money to education. I figure some of yall are saying, “I’m fine with spending more money on my sweet OG kush if it helps the state out a lot.”

Maybe that’s true. Maybe I would even be down to drop an extra twenty bucks on an ounce of some green crack if it helps little Johnny and Susie learn long division in second grade instead of third grade. But the reality of the situation is that it won’t. The money is going to help little Johnny and Susie learn that smoking weed is bad in the most ironic law of the century, and the rest of the tax revenues are going to go make sure that police get extra funding – despite the fact that they are decreasing the amount of illegal activity.

Finally, everyone is saying the black market of weed is going to go away. But here is the thing; if you are taxing and regulating the fuck out of the weed market, growers aren’t going to bend over and take that fucking. Despite probably being some of the laziest people in California, people who smoke weed tend to do really creative shit to smoke for cheap, and it isn’t going to be any different once weed is legalized. Why else would only 31% of current weed growers support prop 64?

In conclusion…To finish off this (hopefully, but probably not) magnificent seventh grade style article, let’s recite our three main points: weed businesses and growers will get fucked, the money in profits won’t go to anywhere you probably want them to, and the weed black market will continue to live.