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The Koala vs. UCSD Administrators: “The Trial of the Fucking Century”

The Trial of the Century

Today, the ACLU San Diego filed a lawsuit against the UCSD administration and Associated Students citing freedom of the press and freedom of speech violations. As the news broke and reporters and journalists from around the world honed in on UCSD’s campus, media outlets and legal historians quickly realized the gravity of the ensuing “trial of the century.”

Not even OJ killing two more people could top this #TrialOfTheCentury
-Fox News

“The trial of the fucking century” tweeted CNN earlier today in response to the announcement. Fox News then replied, “Not even OJ killing two more people could top this #TrialOfTheCentury.”

On a more serious note, The Koala reached out to famous legal historian, Seymour Booke, who commented, “What we are seeing here is a legitimate ‘trial of the century.’ Past media frenzies surrounding large-scale trials pale in comparison to The Koala vs. UCSD Administrators and I don’t think any future case will either. So buckle up and bring some floaties because this Shit-Storm is about to turn into a Shit-Hurricane.”

This morning The Koala visited OJ Simpson, the once king of high profile court cases, who commented, “I’ll fucking stab you like I did my ex-wife that bitch-ass waiter … in my book If I Did It” then aggressively slammed the prison telephone. Robert Kardashian, know by many through his involvement in Mr. Simpson’s trial followed up with The Koala through an angrily-worded email, stating “You better not make a sex tape and try to profit off this.” Don’t worry Mr. Kardashian, we will. Ray J just hit us up and we’re already casting for the film. Who needs AS funds when you can just make a porno with a B-list celebrity!

The Koala will continue to bring up to date coverage of this once in a lifetime event through the summer and into the next academic year so stay tuned.

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The Koala Presents: Milo Yiannopoulos

With the help of the College Republicans at UCSD we’re excited to announce that the world’s most dangerous faggot, Milo Yiannopoulos, will be speaking at our beautiful San Diego campus on Monday, June 6th.

Milo will speak about chalkings, the plague of political correctness, feminism, trigger warnings, safe spaces among many other topics! Q&A session to follow.

Tickets are on sale for $5 (we are not making a profit – proceeds will cover the cost of the event). Buy them in person at the UCSD box office, or online (but you’ll have to pay an additional $4.90 processing fee) https://ucsdboxoffice.com/Online/.

Check out the event on Facebook here: https://www.facebook.com/events/232528867138340/

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On-Campus Starbucks Directly Correlated With Increasing Number of Dropouts

UC San Diego Starbucks

Just months after the new Starbucks opened in Price Center the university has reported a shocking increase in the number of student dropouts. The annual rate for the 2013-14 and 2014-15 years were 6.8, and 7.0% respectively. For the 2015-16 year, even though it is not yet complete, the dropout rate has risen to over 27%. How can that be right?

The Koala’s data science and analytics team was tasked with tracking the source of the issue, and the answer, is in fact, Starbucks. The 27% has been found, surprisingly, to be mostly comprised of Communication, Critical Gender Studies, Judaic Studies, Literature, Sociology, and Urban Studies and Planning majors. In our figures, we have not included students who’ve dropped out by killing themselves — this group is mostly comprised of Computer Science students.

After interviewing numerous students in each major we arrived at a loud and clear consensus: why obtain a useless degree and end up working at Starbucks when you can skip a step and work at Starbucks on campus. After hours of laborious research, the Koala R&D team concluded the Starbucks is to blame for the sudden rise in dropouts.

This rare showing of intelligence (dropping out) has raised the question about why these students were ever in such useless majors to begin with. In other news, the UC Regents has banned Starbucks from opening up on any other UC campus.

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Student Debt Protesters Trouble Gaining Support Attributed to Not Being Able to Afford a Quality Megaphone

Shitty Megaphone

     The morning of Tuesday, April 19th was a sad day for student debt protesters.  A dismal crowd had arrived for a support Bernie/Anti-Trump/Pro-Diversity/Stop Student Debt/Anti-affirmative Action Protest/Rally.  The organizers were hoping to gather a larger crowd by belting chants and semi-coherent speeches through a megaphone. The first speaker stood in front of the crowd to begin her sob story. She raised the megaphone to her mouth and in sync with her double chin wobbling and cried out “WAAAWWAAA WAAWAAWAA WAAAWAAA WAAAA WAAAAA.”

WAAAWWAAA WAAWAAWAA WAAAWAAA WAAAA WAAAAA.

               Initially, we thought the protester had set the megaphone to make her voice sound like Charlie Brown’s teacher, cool. However, as more word-vomit erupted from her mouth we started to realize it was just a really, really shitty megaphone. Not only could nobody understand her, attempts at unified chants quickly devolved into off-beat babbling. As confused passersby dragged their friends away it became apparent that the protestors had failed because of their lack of skrilla and their hoot-ass megaphone. 

               This all made us here at The Koala wonder, will there ever be enough opposition to rising tuition if voices of minorities cannot be heard?  How can we as students help these minorities be heard?  We’ve decided the best way to help them is to find out what they have to say first, which is why it is important to get a better megaphone in their hands ASAP.  Unfortunately, for the protesters, this is an impossible goal. Nobody at UCSD likes to shell out for anything worthwhile, so the only other solution is to support a candidate that will speak for them. Go to www.ucsdminoritiesneedtobeheard.org to find out more.

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The Koala’s A.S. Election Endorsements

How We Chose

First, we at The Koala would like to commend The Guardian for their excellent A.S. Election endorsements. We believe that all of the chosen candidates have a history of unemotional, rational decision making, aligned with the United States Constitution, and the community’s best interest are perfect for the positions at hand; thus, we have chosen the exact same endorsements as The Guardian. In our own interviews with the candidates we grilled them with tough questions such as “Where do you stand on lowering tuition?” and “Why are you in favor of making more S spots?”. Our endorsements reflect who we believe would be the most qualified to actualize their unique goals at UCSD during their one-year terms as really, really important people.

 

Daniel Juarez (Students Determined to Suck Dick) El Presidente

With realistic plans, tangible testicles, ample experience and genuine passion for making people too afraid of being called privileged to tell him her no, it is clear to us that Daniel Juarez will be the A.S. President UCSD deserves and needs. Across the board, her his plans illustrate a dedication to abuse resources, and the unique ability to whine enough to get his her way. In short, we believe Daniel Juarez has the cojones to stand up the administration.

 

Lauren Roberts (Students Determined to Suck Dick) VP Of External Affairs

Laura Roberts is a well-versed candidate indeed, making her perfect for the position of Vice President of External Affairs. When asked about her platform, she mumbled something about starting a dialogue with incarcerated people and then using funds to better fund the UC system. In our attempt to decipher her positions, we concluded that Roberts wants to bring in incarcerated peoples in order to diversify the school. We here at the Koala think this is a brilliant plan and so Lauren Roberts has our full endorsement, we’re sure you won’t fuck it up, Lauren.

 

Sabrina Ekdahl (Tritons Un-tied) VP Of Campus Affairs

With an impractical, naive approach to campus-wide issues and reality in general, Sabrina Ekdahl is a candidate who will be active in engaging UCSD students with really, really simple solutions. Ekdahl understands that some students will have to live off campus and believes a better, immediate alternative is providing adequate resources to prepare for that initial move — like giving them free Pi Phi t-shirts. Ekdahl is also an advocate for world peace, ending global warming, feeding the children in Africa, and making sure everyone is proficient in airbrushing their flaws away.

 

Aditi Gautam (Independent) Campus Wide Senator

Not being able to get along with anyone, Aditi Gautam decided to run as an independent candidate for the A.S. Campus-wide Senator position. Aditi has a strong personal opinion on how to approach a wide range of issues that she thinks will make students want to vote for her. Throughout her college career, Aditi has obtained necessary experience, both walking and biking to class, as well as occasionally eating at her favorite dining hall, Canyon Vista. Cooperation, transparency and agency is what Aditi stands for, and well, we can see right through her.

 

Desiree Johnson (Tritons Un-tied) Campus Wide Senator

Desiree Johnson of Tritons Untied hopes, if elected, to represent the intersection of pre-med and black communities, of which she is the only current member. Johnson filled the diversity quota to serve on the First Year Council, and then on the Warren College Student Council, all the while helping shut down Porter’s Pub. Her involvement with Black Student Union gives Johnson the necessary experience to start conversations about diversity and inclusion at UCSD while simultaneously making others feel uncomfortable, unnecessarily guilty, and even a little angry. Overall, Johnson’s community involvement and clear ideas for improving on-campus transportation make Johnson a valuable addition to next year’s A.S. Council.

 

Lesly Figueroa (Students Determined to Suck Dick) Campus Wide Senator

Lesly Figueroa’s strength lies in how she wishes to educate students on issues dealing with agricultural and waste management systems and where food comes from and who grows it. Originally we were a little skeptical about whether she was up for the task; however, after speaking with her we realized that she was the right person for the job. A self-proclaimed waste management expert, Lesly says she first learned from her Abuela Alma how to clean a mean living room and pick up some free goodies along the way. “I also want to show people where the food in the dining halls come from” she said, staring longingly out the window at the empty field outside. We here at the Koala appreciate all the work the Latino community claims to do and support Lesly.

 

Morgan Kuwashima (Tritons Un-tied) Campus Wide Senator

Eighth-year candidate Morgan Kuwashima promises to bring seoul to each one of her projects as A.S. Campus-wide Senator. Although she’s an eighth-year, Morgan personally blames an understaffed Counseling and Psychological Services for her failures (although her parents certainly don’t) and believes that conversations surrounding the issue needs to be an inherent part of campus rhetoric. According to Morgan, spirit at UCSD is a problem and moving up to Division-I will indeed improve how students experience their campus. Most individuals in favor of the referendum would agree, people not in favor of the referendum would not agree, while those who are neutral may not yet have an opinion.

 

Rachel Adams (Students Determined to Suck Dick) Campus Wide Senator

Spirited and balanced, Rachel sticks out for her caustic approach to issues facing our campus. Her priority is bringing peer-to-peer mental health counseling to UCSD, which she hopes will give students an outlet to share their daily struggles to apathetic peers, and give psychology majors an opportunity to deal with malpractice suits and HIPAA violations early on in their careers.

 

Remember to vote this week on TritonLink! If not enough students vote we’ll have to collectively suffer through another week of pandering on Library Walk. Let’s get this over with.

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UCSD CSE Students Struggle With Cumshot Deficiency

“It was like trying to squeeze the last bit of toothpaste out of the tube” says Junior Ivana Jerkov about her, now ex, boyfriend and Computer Science major Jared Smith’s cumshot the night before: “it was pathetic.”

This sentiment is shared by many women who have been let down by the dreaded “CS cumshot” which looks and feels more like a dripping faucet than a hefty, virile load.

When asked by The Koala about his poor shooting, Jared declined to comment. Instead, he looked up from his MacBook as a single tear ran down his cheek — much like his pitiful attempt at a money shot the previous night.

These once fertile young men have the sperm count of a 75-year-old Vietnam veteran with only one testicle.

According to human biology professor Seymour Cox, the long-term effects of laptop use and prolonged sitting without exercise “can cause these once fertile young men to have the sperm count of a 75-year-old Vietnam veteran with only one testicle.” Research has shown that over 69% of all male CS majors suffer from laptop-induced “Cumshot Deficiency” or “CD” for short.

Cox urged CS students to spread the news about CD and the dangers it poses, making you look like a pathetic, infertile pussy.

“I mean, I’d rather he have a floppy than CD” lamented one sophomore about her boyfriend, also a CS major, “the bigger and slower the load the better.”

If you believe you or one of your loved ones sufferers from CD, please contact the toll-free hotline at 1-800-CUM-SHOT or just go outside, you fucking loser.

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UCSD D1 Sports: 50 Yards Away Yet Again

Deez Nuts

So that didn’t take very long did it? Stephan Curry usurps King James Game of Thrones style in the NBA, the government says the economy is still on the upswing and not only does UCSD think they can actually play sports, but that they think they can pay for it too. Well as the adage goes, “if you can’t bring the game, don’t bring the ball” and as we’ll show, UCSD definitely cannot bring the game.

To give you a basic impression of the kind of thinking underpinning the argument for D1, our friends at the  had this to say:

…We belong in D1 because our average SAT score is 170 points higher than the D1 average…

By their (flawless) logic, the fucking Warriors should step down for King Triton and his big, swinging Verbal score even though our basketball team could still get trounced by a group of inner city high school kids.

Yeah they have a point. Why should our valiant squad be limited to getting their faces kicked in by the mongrels in Division 2? Let’s put that better average vertical leap in D1 to good use, and let our boys get stomped all over the yard (at the low, low cost of 11.9 MILLION FUCKING DOLLARS).

While we’re on the subject, let’s talk about money. The proposed bill calls for a piddly $480/year increase with an additional 3% increase to be added every year after for inflation (D1 sports is better funded than the fucking minimum wage, trufax). What could we do with the phenomenal amount of money it raises that’s not nearly as fucking retarded as funding a D1 program?

  • At $200/sq ft, you could pave 2 miles of 6ft-wide sidewalk with crocodile skin. We could cover Library Walk and the other PRESTIGIOUS parts of our campus in the best couture money can buy.
  • At $21/gallon on amazon, you could buy a whopping 10,120 gallons of lube to fund the thousands of UCSD virgins’ relentless masturbatory conquests.
  • You could pay for the phrase: “EAT A DICK, UCLA” to be sky-written over San Diego about 15 times a day for $11.9 million.
  • You could build a water-slide from the glider port to Black’s beach with a return chairlift (hell, ticket sales could pay for it!*)
  • If we actually want to get good and productive, we could spend a fraction of what is being proposed on cash purses for intramural sports. What better way to get people excited about a collegiate athletics program than give them the chance to win a few thousand bucks? Hell, you’d have random people being conscripted for new teams every day in Geisel.

And these are just the proposals we thought of that are slightly less retarded than D1 sports. Actual alternatives proposed by serious people (fuck them) range from paying for libraries to stay open, bolstering scholarship funds, or make more student parking on campus for fucks sake. But clearly those are way less important than making sure we get to pay for a handful of troglodytes to throw a pigskin around, right?

But shit, these are just the Koala’s zany ideas; what does the actual NCAA have to say on if D1 is a good idea? Essentially, not what the “pro” crowd has been feeding your complacent asses. From the organization’s own 2016 Revenues/Expenses report:

  • Sport-for-sport expenses outweigh revenues across the board (p.36)
  • Women coaches are paid on average one-third what male coaches are (p.39/TAKE THAT TITLE IX!)
  • That D1 sports even without the hilarious waste of money that is football similarly hemorrhage money (p. 75) and….
  • That on average, student fees end up accounting for 42% of athletics dept. revenues (p.92).

But these are just numbers, and if you’re a supporter of D1 sports, there’s a pretty good chance those have never mattered to you. Let’s look at what actually happens at schools with D1 programs. UC Berkeley will serve as a good example, seeing as so many of you stupid fucks wanted to go there anyway.

Alex Saragoza, a longtime ethnic studies professor turned into systemwide athletics administrator, was suspended in 2000 after it became known that he’d retroactively enrolled 2 students in Spring 1999 courses (which they never took) and gave them C’s, just so that they could play football. The funniest thing is that suspending him from teaching his Chicano Studies classes didn’t accomplish much, because he taught those classes for free. It’s implausible that anyone could teach that particular course for free, unless of course he was paid $207,000 a year from the office of the UC President.

If we get a D1 program, maybe we too can get unapologetic grade inflation by some ethnic studies crank paid more than you can ever expect to make upon graduation from your hard science. I mean, it’s not like your degree is worth anything WITHOUT a D1 program, right? Shit, someday just maybe, we too can even have all our alumni ditch the school after our undergrads riot in defense of a child-rapist coach as our comrades at Penn State so artfully did. Because clearly, paying for tickets to watch our gladiators get slaughtered by some other school’s much bigger gladiators is the only prerequisite to a sane college experience. Or more likely it’s comprehensible to vote for a VOLUNTARY $490/year fee increase (WOW! $5 cheaper than the shit they tried to pull in 2012) only when your mommy and daddy are footing the bill.

*your opponents see no need to accurately represent costs or revenues, so why should we?

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Yo Coleslaw, AS, We Got Some Letters For Ya

The Koala

Four actually. Sent by the San Diego ACLU, FIRE (Foundation For Individual Rights In Education), and the SPLC (Student Press Law Center).

Attached you can find all of ’em. You can bet your sweet asses we’re looking forward to the coming weeks. We’d say more, but think the letters speak for themselves.

Big thank yous to the ACLU, FIRE, and SPLC. Enjoy.

ACLU Letter December 1, 2015

FIRE Letter December 14, 2015

SPLC Letter December 21, 2015

Update: We forgot to include a letter signed by UCSD alumni and former campus leaders. It can be found here.