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Yesterday the UC San Diego administration released a statement denouncing The Motherfucking Koala. We thought it was very, very cute. What you may not know is that we knew about the statement days before it was published. We tasked our recruits to go undercover in order to infiltrate Ballsdeep Pradeep’s headquarters, documenting his meetings, files, and private items. They were incredibly successful. Behind the piles of dental dams, curry flavored lube, and empty cans of Gerber’s Vegetable Turkey Dinner flavored baby food, we found Prunedip’s computer. On that computer, we found the following chain of emails:
On Sun, 11/15/15, Ballsdeep Pradeep <ballsdeep@ucsd.edu> wrote:
Subject: Koala’s At It Again, What Do I Do??
To: incompetent-administrators@ucsd.edu
Well guys, looks like the Koala mentioned black people again, we may need to do some damage control…I’m thinking a nice denouncement message will calm the uppity student body.
Also, who’s got a hook for coke? These damn Del Mar hookers don’t know how to share.
Pradeep K. (The K stands for Kalamity) Khosla
Chancellor
——————————————–
On Sun, 11/15/15, Juan Gonzales <incompetent-administrators@ucsd.edu> wrote:
Subject: Re: Koala’s At It Again, What Do I Do??
To: incompetent-administrators@ucsd.edu, ballsdeep@ucsd.edu
Black people? You mean in the drinking game? I whooped your ass Coleslaw, you handle pull exactly like the small Indian man-child trapped inside your body.
I’ll text you my dealer’s number. His name is The Tijuana Testicle, don’t ask why, and don’t look him in the eye. His shit is so fire you’ll be lucky to pound an 8-ball and survive.
Juan “Juan is the loneliest VC” Gonzales
Vice Chancellor, Student Affairs
——————————————–
On Sun, 11/15/15, Ballsdeep Pradeep <ballsdeep@ucsd.edu> wrote:
Subject: Re: Re: Koala’s At It Again, What Do I Do??
To: incompetent-administrators@ucsd.edu
No, not the drinking game you pansy. Does my 69-second wine bag pull mean nothing to you? I got you back when you passed out and I dunked my balls in your mouth: BALLSDEEP BABY! You know what absinthe does to you. The warm delights of your entrails, the gentle weeps, the dripping orifices – I plugged your holes real good Juanny boy.
Pradeep K. (The K stands for KKK) Khosla
Chancellor
——————————————–
On Sun, 11/15/15, Margaret Leinen <incompetent-administrators@ucsd.edu> wrote:
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Koala’s At It Again, What Do I Do??
To: incompetent-administrators@ucsd.edu, ballsdeep@ucsd.edu
Pradeep, you sodomite. I’ve warned you of the dangers of coke and alcohol fueled orgies. You really must invite me next time so I can show you how to swing like a pro.
Margaret Leinen
Dean, School of Medicine
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On Sun, 11/15/15, Juan Gonzales <incompetent-administrators@ucsd.edu> wrote:
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Koala’s At It Again, What Do I Do??
To: incompetent-administrators@ucsd.edu, ballsdeep@ucsd.edu
Pradeep, you shouldn’t be sharing our sexual conquests with everyone. I’m only familiar with student affairs.
Also did you see that list about potato salad? I was laughing my ass off.
Juan “You sure you juanna do that?” Gonzales
Vice Chancellor, Student Affairs
——————————————–
On Sun, 11/15/15, Suresh Subramani <incompetent-administrators@ucsd.edu> wrote:
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Koala’s At It Again, What Do I Do??
To: incompetent-administrators@ucsd.edu, ballsdeep@ucsd.edu
Sorry I’m late to your little discussion, sometimes I get caught up thinking about how much my last name sounds like ‘submarine’ and how I’d rather be on one than dealing with 30,000 crybabies.
That gangsta musical list was my favorite. Did you see what they said about you in the political quotes Pradeep? Spot on! Spot on! How did they know you said those things?
Suresh Submarine
Executive Vice Chancellor
——————————————–
On Sun, 11/15/15, Ballsdeep Pradeep <ballsdeep@ucsd.edu> wrote:
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Koala’s At It Again, What Do I Do??
To: incompetent-administrators@ucsd.edu
We’re getting derailed here. How about a denouncement? I’ll have the new big-titty intern do it. We don’t even have to send out a mass email, just put it up on the website.
Pradeep K. (The K stands for Koala) Khosla
Chancellor
——————————————–
On Sun, 11/15/15, Becky Petitt <incompetent-administrators@ucsd.edu> wrote:
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Koala’s At It Again, What Do I Do??
To: incompetent-administrators@ucsd.edu, ballsdeep@ucsd.edu
Good shit Ballsdeep. I hope this calms the blacks. I’ve got more pressing matters to attend to, the Che Cafe kids are only allowing fags in their club again.
Becky Petitt
Vice Chancellor, Equity, Diversity and Inclusion
Too long have trigger warnings plagued the airwaves. Too long has the no-blacks rule been removed from our campus. Too long have students not been free to offend their hypersensitive peers. “Spam Musubi only $1” and “Holy shit they opened up Starbucks” have replaced the long-gone chants of “Nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger.” Next week, that will all change.
Administrators at UC San Diego are creating an all new, state-of-the-art Dangerous Space for UCSD students who just don’t feel like their needs have been met on campus. In the past few weeks, the lack of dangerous space at UCSD has become increasingly apparent; students have been lashing out with puppy parades, non-violent protests, and other equally safe gimmicks. Safe spaces at UCSD are commonplace, and threaten individuals who do not like feeling safe. The logical next step has been taken by the university in creating a place to fairly support all UCSD students, continuing the university’s theme of inclusion and equality.
Located in the center of Library Walk, the new Dangerous Space is the ideal place for students to do whatever the hell they want. Senior Frank Yu gave The Koala the following statement: “The needs of dangerous-space students have been overlooked for generations, but UCSD is finally recognizing what means the most to 19-year-old Asian nerds: fucking a dead body with a picture of my waifu taped on the face.”
F. Yu isn’t alone. Not only will this new dangerous space allow people of all ethnicities and sizes – even unnaturally large sizes – it will allow for knifes, guns, opinions that might be different than yours, drug paraphernalia, sharp writing instruments, and explicit pornography.
The new Dangerous Space is guaranteed to get students excited for a good time, and will probably end like all good things do, with body mutilation and feelings of remorse.
Check out the UCSD Koala’s latest issue here:
