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The Koala vs. UCSD Administrators: “The Trial of the Fucking Century”

The Trial of the Century

Today, the ACLU San Diego filed a lawsuit against the UCSD administration and Associated Students citing freedom of the press and freedom of speech violations. As the news broke and reporters and journalists from around the world honed in on UCSD’s campus, media outlets and legal historians quickly realized the gravity of the ensuing “trial of the century.”

Not even OJ killing two more people could top this #TrialOfTheCentury
-Fox News

“The trial of the fucking century” tweeted CNN earlier today in response to the announcement. Fox News then replied, “Not even OJ killing two more people could top this #TrialOfTheCentury.”

On a more serious note, The Koala reached out to famous legal historian, Seymour Booke, who commented, “What we are seeing here is a legitimate ‘trial of the century.’ Past media frenzies surrounding large-scale trials pale in comparison to The Koala vs. UCSD Administrators and I don’t think any future case will either. So buckle up and bring some floaties because this Shit-Storm is about to turn into a Shit-Hurricane.”

This morning The Koala visited OJ Simpson, the once king of high profile court cases, who commented, “I’ll fucking stab you like I did my ex-wife that bitch-ass waiter … in my book If I Did It” then aggressively slammed the prison telephone. Robert Kardashian, know by many through his involvement in Mr. Simpson’s trial followed up with The Koala through an angrily-worded email, stating “You better not make a sex tape and try to profit off this.” Don’t worry Mr. Kardashian, we will. Ray J just hit us up and we’re already casting for the film. Who needs AS funds when you can just make a porno with a B-list celebrity!

The Koala will continue to bring up to date coverage of this once in a lifetime event through the summer and into the next academic year so stay tuned.

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Student Debt Protesters Trouble Gaining Support Attributed to Not Being Able to Afford a Quality Megaphone

Shitty Megaphone

     The morning of Tuesday, April 19th was a sad day for student debt protesters.  A dismal crowd had arrived for a support Bernie/Anti-Trump/Pro-Diversity/Stop Student Debt/Anti-affirmative Action Protest/Rally.  The organizers were hoping to gather a larger crowd by belting chants and semi-coherent speeches through a megaphone. The first speaker stood in front of the crowd to begin her sob story. She raised the megaphone to her mouth and in sync with her double chin wobbling and cried out “WAAAWWAAA WAAWAAWAA WAAAWAAA WAAAA WAAAAA.”

WAAAWWAAA WAAWAAWAA WAAAWAAA WAAAA WAAAAA.

               Initially, we thought the protester had set the megaphone to make her voice sound like Charlie Brown’s teacher, cool. However, as more word-vomit erupted from her mouth we started to realize it was just a really, really shitty megaphone. Not only could nobody understand her, attempts at unified chants quickly devolved into off-beat babbling. As confused passersby dragged their friends away it became apparent that the protestors had failed because of their lack of skrilla and their hoot-ass megaphone. 

               This all made us here at The Koala wonder, will there ever be enough opposition to rising tuition if voices of minorities cannot be heard?  How can we as students help these minorities be heard?  We’ve decided the best way to help them is to find out what they have to say first, which is why it is important to get a better megaphone in their hands ASAP.  Unfortunately, for the protesters, this is an impossible goal. Nobody at UCSD likes to shell out for anything worthwhile, so the only other solution is to support a candidate that will speak for them. Go to www.ucsdminoritiesneedtobeheard.org to find out more.

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UCSD CSE Students Struggle With Cumshot Deficiency

“It was like trying to squeeze the last bit of toothpaste out of the tube” says Junior Ivana Jerkov about her, now ex, boyfriend and Computer Science major Jared Smith’s cumshot the night before: “it was pathetic.”

This sentiment is shared by many women who have been let down by the dreaded “CS cumshot” which looks and feels more like a dripping faucet than a hefty, virile load.

When asked by The Koala about his poor shooting, Jared declined to comment. Instead, he looked up from his MacBook as a single tear ran down his cheek — much like his pitiful attempt at a money shot the previous night.

These once fertile young men have the sperm count of a 75-year-old Vietnam veteran with only one testicle.

According to human biology professor Seymour Cox, the long-term effects of laptop use and prolonged sitting without exercise “can cause these once fertile young men to have the sperm count of a 75-year-old Vietnam veteran with only one testicle.” Research has shown that over 69% of all male CS majors suffer from laptop-induced “Cumshot Deficiency” or “CD” for short.

Cox urged CS students to spread the news about CD and the dangers it poses, making you look like a pathetic, infertile pussy.

“I mean, I’d rather he have a floppy than CD” lamented one sophomore about her boyfriend, also a CS major, “the bigger and slower the load the better.”

If you believe you or one of your loved ones sufferers from CD, please contact the toll-free hotline at 1-800-CUM-SHOT or just go outside, you fucking loser.